i will not eat the marshmallow

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.

please, dont touch the callouses...

im trying to focus on the good things
trying to keep myself occupied
trying to keep myself from counting the days
the hours
the minutes
until:
1. my parents leave
and
2. our pregnancy test

i can focus on the good
because as of now...
1. we are closer to the end of the visit than we are the beginning
and
2. we are closer to our POSITIVE hCG test
- four, count 'em FOUR days -
than we were in the beginning

i can focus on the good because as of now...
i am pregnant
i am pregnant until proven otherwise
so i will relish in it
and not buy clothes when shopping with my mom
(okay i bought some - but ALL with the thought of,
"hmmmmm... how cute will a pregnant kelley be in this ensemble?"
the answer: fab *wink*
and so i am now in possession of a few new "must haves")

i am, however, still struggling with my parents
it is such an internal conflict for me
it is like having children living with us
and it is driving me absolutely crazy
what a quandry... when we would so love to have two children living with us
~ our family

the timing truly couldnt be worse
but, what is a daughter to do?
the answer: i suck it up
and im learning not to "bite"

even today, when singing the praises of my wonderbread while shopping after pedicures with my g/f and our moms - i bit my tongue...
i bit my tongue when i told my friend, with my mother in earshot
that my fabulous husband made me coffee this morning, and toast, delivered it, then ironed my clothes :)
this is not news to my g/f, she has been a party to just how great he is
but really, its fun to share in the joy that is my amazing husband
and im pretty sure she appreciates him - if for nothing else,
for putting up with me

then my mother pipes up
~ obviously overwhelmed with the desire to cut someone down,
"well, isnt that EVERY morning?"
so i dont bite
*proud moment*
i just reply, "well actually mom - we take turns"
(which we truly do - see, funny thing... we love AND respect each other, imagine?!)
my mom pauses and remarks, "i guess it hasnt been your turn lately"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

im sorry, did we forget to mention whats going on here???
you see, between our scheduling your holiday itinerary
and cooking your meals
we've been managing a little stress
and compound that with daily multi-doses of medication
to increase our odds of a successful pregnancy
im a little FUCKING TIRED

i know the universe revolves around you, your royal highness
but we've kinda been dealing with some "stuff"

not sure if you noticed

i realize youve made time to notice many of my flaws
so im wondering - care to have a look at my ovaries?!
perhaps you could even point and laugh while youre at it

~ no i did NOT say any of that, because im learning

you see, its the steady trickle of comments like that
that are thankfully THANKFULLY thickening my skin.

i may have had a pedicure today
but i told my esthetician,

"please, dont touch the callouses ...they're working for me"