placebo? ...don't mind if i do

im sure my avid readers (all three of you) are anxiously awaiting the story of the big resolve. there the three of you have been, holding your breath for months now... anticipating the great heartfelt and emotional growth that occurred between me and my mother

BAHahahahaha, im afraid my posting negligence has left you with some strange idea of what this blog is all about

so no, it never really came
but i believe (whether true or not) that i made my point

my mother and i did not speak until december
she left messages and sent cards (anniversary, birthdays etc) with a vague sense of an apology

but i needed acknowledgment
or rather - perhaps i am too stubborn to let that be good enough *those of you who know me may commence your ironic outburst of laughter now*

strangely i had a lot of pressure from friends to make amends, which i still dont understand
i heard a lot of "youll feel different once you are a mother" ...really?!? really i will?!?
because truth be told, i have no doubt that i will be literally shat on on a daily basis
but the figurative shit - who needs that?

why do people think it is okay for family to treat you like crap? is there a crap license issued with the birth certificate that i am unaware of? cuz if they intend to issue me one, they can save the paper

that being said i didnt want this to drag on forever either, but how do i call?
what the hell was i going to say?
and i sure as fuck didnt want my olive branch to be received as "i forgive you"
because i dont
the behaviour was completely unacceptable and yet i was done - i didnt want to rehash it

i didnt want to explore our feelings
but enough was enough and it needed to be done

i struggled over making the call when finally, one december afternoon she called me.
and while unsure of what would await me on the other end of the line i answered with an enthusiastic, "HI MOM!"

and with those two words it was as if nothing had ever happened

and none of it was ever mentioned again

(yes there are several ostrich-head holes in my family's backyard)

i do think we made some progress though, obviously ill never really know
but this is what i choose to believe
and, even if its my own big fat placebo im chewing on... it tastes good

to apologize - dont you have to say, "sorry"?!

ive been feeling like crap
taking days off work
(shit, cuz im not sure if you know but paramedics in BC arent exactly independently wealthy see: www.saveourparamedics.com )

have i got THE SWINE?
i dont think so
do i feel like the stuff swines are synonymous with - what is that now...?!
SHIT!?
...absof*ckinglutely

so while wallowing in my snottiness
i decided a steam shower might just make me feel better
if not, at least LOOK better

when i emerged from my steam - feeling somewhat less phlegmy and definitely less icky - i saw that i had missed a phone call.
well, low and behold it was my beloved mother

a wee pang (and PLEASE let me emphasize WEE) befell me
i thought, damn she finally called...
and now she is going to think that im not taking her calls
i mean, im all for making a point, but if she is willing to call and apologize
ive got to give her a chance

BAHAHAHAAA...!

seriously - WHAT. THE. FUCK. is the matter with me?

its okay though, she left a message
now prepare yourself for a big ole dose of warm and fuzzy
cuz here it is, verbatim:
(i shit you not)

"hi kelley its your mommy calling
just call ...must've gotten her script messed up...
i understand you are very angry with me
but i want to make sure that everything is okay
and just want to let you know that i love you
when you are done being angry, please give me a call
bye for now"

am i losing my mind~!?
is THIS what an apology sounds like?
im not sure - see ive never had one from my mother before

you know what though ~ im actually glad she called
why, you ask?
well, i hadnt posted in sooooo long!
*wink*

the wisdom of charlie brown

tomorrow is "the day"
one of many THE days to come

but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day

tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst

tomorrow will tell so much

wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile

my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations

i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony

im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed

i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha

my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there

in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did

im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose

wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be

i miss her with every fibre of my being

when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection

it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do

so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy

...no wonder we never complained

you just cant make this shit up...

so my mother continues to display her charm and compassion to an incomprehensible degree
let me share with you now, a moment in time
a moment in my life
a moment that is the epitome of what it means to be "daughter" in my family.

my parents are coming to visit
(btw - saw a counsellor for the first time in my life the other day)
did i mention said visit is to be 3 weeks in duration?
(no, these two events did not take place independently)

i had a long conversation with my mom the other day
we talked about all of the things that we could do while they visit
all the touristy "must see" places

when the joy that is tourism died down, i talked to her about what we are going through
y'know that little infertility issue (just to be sure she remembers)
i explained, and i quote "you need to be nice to me"
i told her about the multiple daily injections of hormones and their obvious effect on my psyche - as well as the holding pattern
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles are continuing to mature
the (fingers crossed) retrieval
ICSI - thats intracytoplasmic sperm injection
the maturation (fingers crossed)
the transfer - back to me
the two week wait for a (again... fingers crossed) positive pregnancy test

i explained how stressful all of these waits would be
and how she and dad would be here through it all
and ... she would need to be supportive AND NICE TO ME

i was heading in the next day for my ultrasound
tomorrow i would find out how many follicles my new more aggressive protocol had produced.
tomorrow i may face the same devastating news i had faced in our first cancelled IVF cycle
tomorrow i would try to lose my new moniker of "poor responder"
tomorrow would mark us one day closer to making her a grandparent (again - sigh...)

did she get it...?

what do you think ...

the next day came
four
not the twenty
or sixteen
or nice even dozen that other women produce after this fabulous protocol
i had four
F O U R

but as my fabulously supportive girlfriend said to me, "thats awesome... you've improved by 400%!!!"

so i called my mom
why the fuck did i call my mom
i guess i thought she'd actually be interested
i actually thought she'd want to know
i know that she is going to be here through this cycle
and i figured, if i can involve her right from the start, that would be the best approach

clearly, i was delusional

when we had our previous conversation about their visit and all the joy that that would bring
she was going on about her hair (now granted, i too am one to obsess over my "do" - so i can relate). she was off to see her new "girl" for the second time, it had been too long between visits, she was desperate for a good cut, if it didnt work out she would be so disappointed having to travel with a lousy boufant. so we joked that if her appointment didnt go well... the trip was off

so i called, this was my opening

i didnt even say hi
she answered, and i said, "sooooo... is the trip a go or???"

she laughed - hair was good
and we had a big ole chat about her hair
hey, i have to indulge the things that are important to her, if i want her to do the same for me - right?

now im thinking,
okay mom, ask...
ask me about my day
i want to tell you so ask ~

nothing
not a fucking word
oh wait, im sorry yes
after she ranted about $ bequest to her by her absolutely fabulous friend (and this woman truly was absolutely fabulous and the world is suffering a loss without her in it)
she then asked me, "so what did you do today?"

is it wrong of me, im not sure - but i just couldnt bring myself to tell her
"SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?!"
you have got to be effing kidding me - are you for real?!?
i wanted to RAGE these words into the phone
but i couldnt
and i didnt
i just said, "nuthen" and made some excuse to have to get off the phone


now after a conversation like that, one MIGHT think id learn
but no
no, this skull - she's pretty mother f*cking thick
let me demonstrate:

i called today
yep, what the hell is wrong with her youre thinking - i know, i know
but i called

i called because i was excited
i was happy
i got transferred
ive been transferred to a station that cuts my commute by 1.5 hours EACH way
and more than that
its a busier station
AND ive worked there, doing some coverage, and ive had SO much fun there
one of my classmates - and person in the top ten of my favourite people - works there
i was happy and i wanted to share it with my mom... go figure

so i called
god im an idiot
lets just get that straight right now... i am aware
i am a thick-skulled idiot

mom told me that she had been out to visit s&r because r was home from his surgery
(s&r are like those aunt and uncle people who arent actually related but are more like family than your real relatives) so im all... Surgery?!?!

apparently r has prostate cancer - news to me
and mom went on and on about his prognosis his treatment his recovery
and i couldnt help but think ... why isnt she THIS interested in ME?
i, of course, didnt say it

but when she was done, i had an moment of realization
both of their children are adopted!
so i asked, (my perfect segway to mention that whole IVF thing and maybe even find a confidante in my "aunt") "did s do IVF?"
mom answers incredulously, "NO... her kids are both ADOPTED! *you idiot implied*"
i replied, "i know mom... but people dont usually go STRAIGHT to adoption"
so she muttered and said that s had NOT done IVF
BUT... she was so proud to announce s's brother! HE was remarried, and while he ALREADY has kids, his new wife is 40 and they are going through IVF AND they just had FOUR embryos transferred and they were SO happy to find out that the have JUST ONE HEARTBEAT! isnt that GREAT?!

ummmm ya mom... thats great

okay so apparently were not going to talk about me
youd almost think this would be a perfect set up, but no - notsomuch

instead she asked, so what are you up to tonight?
okay, i can handle it - afterall i DID call to tell her my work news

i explained that i was off to a barbeque held by the unit chief at station "x"
we chatted about that for a bit and then i had perfect opportunity to tell her about my big work news

and her response...
wait for it
WAIT FOR IT ~

"now, andy & tammy - they live in 'insert town here', is that right?"

i swear... you just cant make this shit up

dear douchebag landlord: (take two)

okay - ive given it another try
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)


Dear Douchebag Landlords:

RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________

We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.

We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.

It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.

We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.

Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.

So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.

Sincerely,



Kelley & wonderbread
encl.

welcome to my world

i thought i was having a bad day when our douchebag landlord (we had to rent for a year while relocating for work in the middle of a real estate crisis and waiting for our fabulous house to sell) won at arbitration stating that we did not give sufficient notice to end our tenancy.

yes apparently, telling his wife one month earlier that our home had sold. or having his wife present as we faxed our offer to purchase our new home did not give them any indication that we were leaving. who knew.

so the douchebags, whom we mistakenly thought were our friends have been granted another month's rent according to a director with the residential tenancy board. wtf?

i could hardly sleep that night. seething with anger. and anticipating my doctor's appointment in the morning.

slimebags, they'd get theirs - i thought.
you see, i am a firm believer in karma

but why did she have to bite MY ass the very next day?

yes, it was a sunday and i had a doctor's appointment.
about a week earlier i felt like i was walking in someone else's shoes when i was told, if you are serious about having a family we need to start IVF and we need to be aggressive.

but if that was what it was like to be in someone else's shoes, then after a full course of two daily needles and oral drugs i was left too puffy & swollen to wear them.

the first appointment hadnt been great. perhaps ill elaborate another time.
the short story is that they had only found four follicles... FOUR - wtf?!

but its okay, deep cleansing breath now. we've got the drugs
the full meal deal
ill go back and they will see me for the overacheiver that i really am.

and this was that day
my chance for my ovaries to prove their worth.
and show how much they appreciated the hormone cocktail i was serving up daily like it was happy hour.

my husband sat staring quizzically at the ultrasound monitor (trying not to acknowledge what the doctor was doing in order for him to have that blurred incomprehesible view)

and there was that moment of
oh, lets see if we can have a better view this way
or this way
or maybe...

with each second the room grew quieter and the facial expressions dropped exponetially

there was no discussion
the doctor and his assistant left the room, saying he would be back in a moment to discuss the results

what was there to discuss
we were right there
there were no secrets, i mean we may not be gynecologists or reproductive specialists but anyone with a brain could tell the prognosis wasnt good

what had happened to my overacheivers?

i cried - i didnt know exactly what he was going to say but i cried
and my husband hugged me
in this stupid ultrasound room, where we had only moments earlier been giggling schoolkids making ridiculous remarks about the equipment
i started crying then
and ive barely stopped since - except to laugh
because i have great friends
you know the kind
the kind that make you laugh when youre already doing the "ugly cry"
and ive got to say, if you think the ugly cry is ugly... you should see it with a laugh thrown in

one
One?
yes ONE follicle

forget someone else's shoes, im pretty sure i was in someone else's skin at that point

the ivf cycle was cancelled
and the rest is a blurr
which keeps coming back to me in waves

one tidal wave
being the moment i called my mother to let her know the whole story
i hadnt told her any of our reproductive woes up until this point
even though they were years in the making

these are the words that broke over me like a surfer being sucked in the vortex of a big ole white cap
after i spilled my story of dissappointment and devastation
the sentence that she uttered to me, her only daughter,

"well honey, i guess you just waited too long"

welcome to my world:
if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother