the betas

12 days post transfer (15 d p retrieval) 316
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597

as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant

for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable

yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know

you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?

the answer... denial

im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx

but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?

honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way

but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other

so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future

i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome

but two went in
and i really want them both

because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other

but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two

i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat

i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want

please, dont touch the callouses...

im trying to focus on the good things
trying to keep myself occupied
trying to keep myself from counting the days
the hours
the minutes
until:
1. my parents leave
and
2. our pregnancy test

i can focus on the good
because as of now...
1. we are closer to the end of the visit than we are the beginning
and
2. we are closer to our POSITIVE hCG test
- four, count 'em FOUR days -
than we were in the beginning

i can focus on the good because as of now...
i am pregnant
i am pregnant until proven otherwise
so i will relish in it
and not buy clothes when shopping with my mom
(okay i bought some - but ALL with the thought of,
"hmmmmm... how cute will a pregnant kelley be in this ensemble?"
the answer: fab *wink*
and so i am now in possession of a few new "must haves")

i am, however, still struggling with my parents
it is such an internal conflict for me
it is like having children living with us
and it is driving me absolutely crazy
what a quandry... when we would so love to have two children living with us
~ our family

the timing truly couldnt be worse
but, what is a daughter to do?
the answer: i suck it up
and im learning not to "bite"

even today, when singing the praises of my wonderbread while shopping after pedicures with my g/f and our moms - i bit my tongue...
i bit my tongue when i told my friend, with my mother in earshot
that my fabulous husband made me coffee this morning, and toast, delivered it, then ironed my clothes :)
this is not news to my g/f, she has been a party to just how great he is
but really, its fun to share in the joy that is my amazing husband
and im pretty sure she appreciates him - if for nothing else,
for putting up with me

then my mother pipes up
~ obviously overwhelmed with the desire to cut someone down,
"well, isnt that EVERY morning?"
so i dont bite
*proud moment*
i just reply, "well actually mom - we take turns"
(which we truly do - see, funny thing... we love AND respect each other, imagine?!)
my mom pauses and remarks, "i guess it hasnt been your turn lately"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

im sorry, did we forget to mention whats going on here???
you see, between our scheduling your holiday itinerary
and cooking your meals
we've been managing a little stress
and compound that with daily multi-doses of medication
to increase our odds of a successful pregnancy
im a little FUCKING TIRED

i know the universe revolves around you, your royal highness
but we've kinda been dealing with some "stuff"

not sure if you noticed

i realize youve made time to notice many of my flaws
so im wondering - care to have a look at my ovaries?!
perhaps you could even point and laugh while youre at it

~ no i did NOT say any of that, because im learning

you see, its the steady trickle of comments like that
that are thankfully THANKFULLY thickening my skin.

i may have had a pedicure today
but i told my esthetician,

"please, dont touch the callouses ...they're working for me"