12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell

im waiting
and im killing time
(5 hours and counting)
realizing that i am 12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell
there is lingo, boy is there

right now i am finishing the 2ww (two week wait)
12dp3dt (12 days post 3 day transfer, 3 day transfer is the amount of time our twins spent at the babysitters)
grade A is the grading process
(btw there is no universal grading process, weird huh?)
ours were as perfect as they can be according to our clinic, both 19/20
8-cell (they had divided to 8 cells)

hCG was the blood test we had today (human corionic gonandotropin)
if you want, you can buy a drug store pregnancy test
- however they arent reliable for those of us in the ivf club,
thats right, its a club
not quite as spanky as the he-man-woman-hater's club,
but a club just the same...
because of all the hormones we are pumping ourselves with
the trigger shot that is required to release the follicles is a synthetic form of the same hormone that the HPT (home pregnancy test) measures.
so its already in your system
and we club members could end up with a false positive... NO THANK YOU

or
if we have managed to absorb the trigger shot (ie, no false positive)
but
we test too early, before our bodies have started to produce the hCG on its own
then we can have a false negative... NO THANK YOU

so ill just wait, fun club though huh?

and ill resist the urge to visit the IF blogs (infertility)
and post my stats:
12dpt3dt 2 grade A 8-cell 12/12 2ww ICSI IVF #2 estrogen priming microdose flare protocol

instead:
ill iron my linens
because, i am THAT person
i iron my bedding

think what you want... i dont even give a care

i will not eat the marshmallow

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.