12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell

im waiting
and im killing time
(5 hours and counting)
realizing that i am 12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell
there is lingo, boy is there

right now i am finishing the 2ww (two week wait)
12dp3dt (12 days post 3 day transfer, 3 day transfer is the amount of time our twins spent at the babysitters)
grade A is the grading process
(btw there is no universal grading process, weird huh?)
ours were as perfect as they can be according to our clinic, both 19/20
8-cell (they had divided to 8 cells)

hCG was the blood test we had today (human corionic gonandotropin)
if you want, you can buy a drug store pregnancy test
- however they arent reliable for those of us in the ivf club,
thats right, its a club
not quite as spanky as the he-man-woman-hater's club,
but a club just the same...
because of all the hormones we are pumping ourselves with
the trigger shot that is required to release the follicles is a synthetic form of the same hormone that the HPT (home pregnancy test) measures.
so its already in your system
and we club members could end up with a false positive... NO THANK YOU

or
if we have managed to absorb the trigger shot (ie, no false positive)
but
we test too early, before our bodies have started to produce the hCG on its own
then we can have a false negative... NO THANK YOU

so ill just wait, fun club though huh?

and ill resist the urge to visit the IF blogs (infertility)
and post my stats:
12dpt3dt 2 grade A 8-cell 12/12 2ww ICSI IVF #2 estrogen priming microdose flare protocol

instead:
ill iron my linens
because, i am THAT person
i iron my bedding

think what you want... i dont even give a care

i will not eat the marshmallow

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.

crack whore aspirations: quashed

we did it
we are really here

we picked up the twins today from the babysitter
(best babysitter on earth i might add)
she did mention that they were very well behaved
hmmmm...

so here's how things have gone over the past few days:

retreival on sunday
i was really quite out of it
i remember good drugs, a cocktail including:
iv benadryl ~ a prophylactic for my crazy unpredictable allergies
(ya, its been a while since my name has been used in conjunction with the word "prophylactic")
plus fentanyl and another lovely pharmaceutical whose name i cannot recall
just as well though, as i may be tempted to start bribing pharmacists for another crack at that stuff

i had bed spins for a moment and quickly adapted (im good like that)

wonderbread was by my side, holding on with two hands
as my friend instructed (one was for her - oh, dont even get me started *insert hormonal meltdown here*)
now the rest is as he remembers, because me... i was well on my way to giving up the whole thing and becoming a career drug-seeking crack whore instead

we knew going in that there were three on the right ovary
two were mature, one questionable - sigh
on the left we had one ...that we could find
and it was suspected that that one could actually be a cyst and not a follicle
double sigh...

so there we were
me
wonderbread at my left
nurse/aenesthetist (my new best friend) at my right
doctor between my legs - actually seemed more like a diembodied surgical cap/mask wearing head, but im gonna chalk that up to the drugs and say it wasnt really so
an ultrasound screen between the doctor and my new best friend
the clinic director at wonderbread's left acting as assistant between the embryologist (aka the babysitter) and the doctor
the babysitter was through a passageway and in an attached lab

we had met with the babysitter and she explained that she would be calling out what she had found as the cells were delivered to her

i knew this meant we would hear success, (yay) but it could also mean we would hear silence meaning failure, sigh...

because we had so few follicles
and i had been such a "poor responder" ~ gawd i hate that term ~ to the medications
they would be flushing the follicles
they would use saline and flush the follicles of all cells until such time as the embryologist let the team know that the follicle was void of any material
this is a higher risk procedure, however, it does ensure that every opportunity to retrieve the existing eggs is taken
now i dont remember this
but wonderbread explained the events as this:
one follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... nothing yet
move on to the next one as the embryologist continues examining the last flush;
next follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in first follicle
move on to the third as the embyologist continues examining the last flush;
third follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in the second follicle
move on to the left ovary (things obviously not looking good on the right)
and now we are moving on to our suspected "cyst"
the room has taken a turn, there is a silence that is palpable - even to this stoned chick on the table
more drugs are definitely in order, thanks to my new best friend
the doctor attempts to flush the questionable follicle on the left and ...shit
it is in fact a cyst - full of ...nothing
nothing
sometimes listening to silence is the loudest most empty thing you will ever have to endure
and then i heard her voice
~ faint like a voice that falls over you with an origin you dont dare question

"i have one"

the embryologist from the lab
from the other room
through her mask
she had found one from the last flush of the third follicle on the right
b r e a t h e
everybody breathe
and just when you think that was the winning play...

someone throws a hail mary:

the doctor then noticed a tiny follicle that he hadnt detected on the preparatory ultrasounds
it was small, seemed immature, but there would be no man (or potential man) left behind

my follicle, unfortunately, had other ideas. see - he had heard that he was supposed to STAY in there
after all, i had been having long conversations with my body about what it needed to do and how it could oblige and be cooperative in this whole process

so he ran away from that very large needle that was so purposefully stalking him in my ovary
he really ran
he ran so far that my new best friend found herself draped across my body pressing down on my abdomen with all her weight so that needle and follicle could finally get acquainted

my thoughts, "damn - this hurts... hey newbestfriend, i could...
Wait A Minute... YOU BITCH - NOW whose gonna give me my drugs?!?!"

it was a longshot
but worth it
that little runner = one more mature follicle

holeeee crap

i was stoned and happy, a really good combination
and i had wonderbread on my team
it was as good an outcome as we could have expected
to go in with a questionable three/four
and come out with two, mature eggs was ...amazing

it was so strange to leave the building - and exactly how our enbryologist gained the nickname, "babysitter"

at 1400h wonderbread's "guys" would be introduced via ICSI
and at that time we were lying on our bed at home, listening to our cd
thinking thoughts so positive, i believe a rainbow appeared above our home
perhaps even a few unicorns trotted on by

we would have to wait until the next morning to find out how well the meeting went
and i think time has actually slowed over the last few days

that morning we got the call
two made it
both of them mature
BOTH OF THEM
and they were introduced with the most handsome sperm she could find
and now they were behaving well
we would have to wait until the same time the next day for a grade to be applied to their progress and, of course, they must continue to survive... minor detail

same time next day we received a call from our babysitter giving us the good news
there are two (still)!
and now lets talk about grading:

we grade them on a scale of 1 to 20
and just like the teacher you hated in school, we never give out a perfect score
now based on your low follicle count we generally expect that embryos produced in your situation dont usually have the highest grades, but that doesnt mean they arent successful

"would you like to know how yours are doing?"
ahhhhh - the suspense, you could tell this woman loves her job

"both are NINETEENS... we are over the moon in the lab here"
she then explained that we had completely changed her expectation for poor responders

thats me ~ ill change your mind about a whole lot of things - but, i digress...

all is well
now they are perfect little 4-celled embryos
yay us
and now the wait continues - an appointment for transfer will be set up for tomorrow
someone from the clinic will call with info.

of course, another day of trepidation waiting to see/hear how they continue to grow
and hope that 1. they make it
2. they continue to divide
3. we can find some way to sleep that night

our appointment was at 0800h
we went in
same room
no sign of my new best friend

we did, however, pick the kids up from the sitter's
now two perfect little 8-celled embryos
like layered four leaf clovers

now here i sit singing to myself, "im looking over a four leaf clover..."
and couldnt be happier to show off our first baby(ies) picture:



poor responder... MY ASS
i guess i wont be a crack whore afterall