the betas

12 days post transfer (15 d p retrieval) 316
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597

as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant

for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable

yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know

you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?

the answer... denial

im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx

but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?

honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way

but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other

so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future

i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome

but two went in
and i really want them both

because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other

but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two

i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat

i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want

i will not eat the marshmallow

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.

please, dont touch the callouses...

im trying to focus on the good things
trying to keep myself occupied
trying to keep myself from counting the days
the hours
the minutes
until:
1. my parents leave
and
2. our pregnancy test

i can focus on the good
because as of now...
1. we are closer to the end of the visit than we are the beginning
and
2. we are closer to our POSITIVE hCG test
- four, count 'em FOUR days -
than we were in the beginning

i can focus on the good because as of now...
i am pregnant
i am pregnant until proven otherwise
so i will relish in it
and not buy clothes when shopping with my mom
(okay i bought some - but ALL with the thought of,
"hmmmmm... how cute will a pregnant kelley be in this ensemble?"
the answer: fab *wink*
and so i am now in possession of a few new "must haves")

i am, however, still struggling with my parents
it is such an internal conflict for me
it is like having children living with us
and it is driving me absolutely crazy
what a quandry... when we would so love to have two children living with us
~ our family

the timing truly couldnt be worse
but, what is a daughter to do?
the answer: i suck it up
and im learning not to "bite"

even today, when singing the praises of my wonderbread while shopping after pedicures with my g/f and our moms - i bit my tongue...
i bit my tongue when i told my friend, with my mother in earshot
that my fabulous husband made me coffee this morning, and toast, delivered it, then ironed my clothes :)
this is not news to my g/f, she has been a party to just how great he is
but really, its fun to share in the joy that is my amazing husband
and im pretty sure she appreciates him - if for nothing else,
for putting up with me

then my mother pipes up
~ obviously overwhelmed with the desire to cut someone down,
"well, isnt that EVERY morning?"
so i dont bite
*proud moment*
i just reply, "well actually mom - we take turns"
(which we truly do - see, funny thing... we love AND respect each other, imagine?!)
my mom pauses and remarks, "i guess it hasnt been your turn lately"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

im sorry, did we forget to mention whats going on here???
you see, between our scheduling your holiday itinerary
and cooking your meals
we've been managing a little stress
and compound that with daily multi-doses of medication
to increase our odds of a successful pregnancy
im a little FUCKING TIRED

i know the universe revolves around you, your royal highness
but we've kinda been dealing with some "stuff"

not sure if you noticed

i realize youve made time to notice many of my flaws
so im wondering - care to have a look at my ovaries?!
perhaps you could even point and laugh while youre at it

~ no i did NOT say any of that, because im learning

you see, its the steady trickle of comments like that
that are thankfully THANKFULLY thickening my skin.

i may have had a pedicure today
but i told my esthetician,

"please, dont touch the callouses ...they're working for me"

the wisdom of charlie brown

tomorrow is "the day"
one of many THE days to come

but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day

tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst

tomorrow will tell so much

wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile

my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations

i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony

im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed

i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha

my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there

in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did

im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose

wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be

i miss her with every fibre of my being

when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection

it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do

so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy

...no wonder we never complained

dear douchebag landlord: (take two)

okay - ive given it another try
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)


Dear Douchebag Landlords:

RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________

We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.

We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.

It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.

We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.

Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.

So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.

Sincerely,



Kelley & wonderbread
encl.

welcome to my world

i thought i was having a bad day when our douchebag landlord (we had to rent for a year while relocating for work in the middle of a real estate crisis and waiting for our fabulous house to sell) won at arbitration stating that we did not give sufficient notice to end our tenancy.

yes apparently, telling his wife one month earlier that our home had sold. or having his wife present as we faxed our offer to purchase our new home did not give them any indication that we were leaving. who knew.

so the douchebags, whom we mistakenly thought were our friends have been granted another month's rent according to a director with the residential tenancy board. wtf?

i could hardly sleep that night. seething with anger. and anticipating my doctor's appointment in the morning.

slimebags, they'd get theirs - i thought.
you see, i am a firm believer in karma

but why did she have to bite MY ass the very next day?

yes, it was a sunday and i had a doctor's appointment.
about a week earlier i felt like i was walking in someone else's shoes when i was told, if you are serious about having a family we need to start IVF and we need to be aggressive.

but if that was what it was like to be in someone else's shoes, then after a full course of two daily needles and oral drugs i was left too puffy & swollen to wear them.

the first appointment hadnt been great. perhaps ill elaborate another time.
the short story is that they had only found four follicles... FOUR - wtf?!

but its okay, deep cleansing breath now. we've got the drugs
the full meal deal
ill go back and they will see me for the overacheiver that i really am.

and this was that day
my chance for my ovaries to prove their worth.
and show how much they appreciated the hormone cocktail i was serving up daily like it was happy hour.

my husband sat staring quizzically at the ultrasound monitor (trying not to acknowledge what the doctor was doing in order for him to have that blurred incomprehesible view)

and there was that moment of
oh, lets see if we can have a better view this way
or this way
or maybe...

with each second the room grew quieter and the facial expressions dropped exponetially

there was no discussion
the doctor and his assistant left the room, saying he would be back in a moment to discuss the results

what was there to discuss
we were right there
there were no secrets, i mean we may not be gynecologists or reproductive specialists but anyone with a brain could tell the prognosis wasnt good

what had happened to my overacheivers?

i cried - i didnt know exactly what he was going to say but i cried
and my husband hugged me
in this stupid ultrasound room, where we had only moments earlier been giggling schoolkids making ridiculous remarks about the equipment
i started crying then
and ive barely stopped since - except to laugh
because i have great friends
you know the kind
the kind that make you laugh when youre already doing the "ugly cry"
and ive got to say, if you think the ugly cry is ugly... you should see it with a laugh thrown in

one
One?
yes ONE follicle

forget someone else's shoes, im pretty sure i was in someone else's skin at that point

the ivf cycle was cancelled
and the rest is a blurr
which keeps coming back to me in waves

one tidal wave
being the moment i called my mother to let her know the whole story
i hadnt told her any of our reproductive woes up until this point
even though they were years in the making

these are the words that broke over me like a surfer being sucked in the vortex of a big ole white cap
after i spilled my story of dissappointment and devastation
the sentence that she uttered to me, her only daughter,

"well honey, i guess you just waited too long"

welcome to my world:
if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother