im waiting
and im killing time
(5 hours and counting)
realizing that i am 12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell
there is lingo, boy is there
right now i am finishing the 2ww (two week wait)
12dp3dt (12 days post 3 day transfer, 3 day transfer is the amount of time our twins spent at the babysitters)
grade A is the grading process
(btw there is no universal grading process, weird huh?)
ours were as perfect as they can be according to our clinic, both 19/20
8-cell (they had divided to 8 cells)
hCG was the blood test we had today (human corionic gonandotropin)
if you want, you can buy a drug store pregnancy test
- however they arent reliable for those of us in the ivf club,
thats right, its a club
not quite as spanky as the he-man-woman-hater's club,
but a club just the same...
because of all the hormones we are pumping ourselves with
the trigger shot that is required to release the follicles is a synthetic form of the same hormone that the HPT (home pregnancy test) measures.
so its already in your system
and we club members could end up with a false positive... NO THANK YOU
or
if we have managed to absorb the trigger shot (ie, no false positive)
but
we test too early, before our bodies have started to produce the hCG on its own
then we can have a false negative... NO THANK YOU
so ill just wait, fun club though huh?
and ill resist the urge to visit the IF blogs (infertility)
and post my stats:
12dpt3dt 2 grade A 8-cell 12/12 2ww ICSI IVF #2 estrogen priming microdose flare protocol
instead:
ill iron my linens
because, i am THAT person
i iron my bedding
think what you want... i dont even give a care
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
the wisdom of charlie brown
tomorrow is "the day"
one of many THE days to come
but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day
tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst
tomorrow will tell so much
wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile
my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations
i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony
im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed
i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha
my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there
in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did
im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose
wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be
i miss her with every fibre of my being
when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection
it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do
so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:
“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy
...no wonder we never complained
one of many THE days to come
but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day
tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst
tomorrow will tell so much
wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile
my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations
i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony
im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed
i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha
my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there
in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did
im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose
wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be
i miss her with every fibre of my being
when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection
it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do
so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:
“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy
...no wonder we never complained
Saturday, July 11, 2009
dear douchebag landlord: (take two)
okay - ive given it another try
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)
Dear Douchebag Landlords:
RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________
We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.
We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.
It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.
We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.
Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.
So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.
Sincerely,
Kelley & wonderbread
encl.
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)
Dear Douchebag Landlords:
RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________
We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.
We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.
It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.
We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.
Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.
So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.
Sincerely,
Kelley & wonderbread
encl.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
paging, dr. freud...
the other night i had a dream
not the martin luther king jr kind of dream, but a dream nonetheless
the kind that sticks with you
the kind that haunts you throughout your day
the kind that makes you try to explain it to other people
and still they have no idea what the hell you are talking about
the kind that follows you straight into the next day
and leaves you thinking that the only way to release it
is to write about it
so here i am
and here we go
i had a dream
(yes we’ve covered this already)
i had a feature role
but i was not the star
there was someone else
someone ive never met, someone ive never seen before
and a face that i cant get out of my mind
even now i can see her so clearly,
like the face of a long lost friend
a face for which every freckle and every scar
....you were a party to its creation
in my dream i wanted so much for her to connect with me
to see me
to run to me
to hug me
but my nightmare was that i couldnt remember her name, i couldnt gain her trust
i knew she had an unusual name - a beautiful name
but i couldnt speak it
i wanted to bond with her but this lapse of mine was keeping her from recognizing me
what was this “thing” that kept me from retrieving her name?
i wanted her to trust me
but who will you trust who doesnt speak your name?
your name spoken provides validity
it acknowledges your existence
and as desperate as i was ...desperation did not equate to anything but frustration
with trepidation i approached her
i thought if i got closer she would recognize me, and id remember
id remember her name and she, in turn, would remember my voice
but it didnt happen
and my dream ended without resolve
she was mine
a child of about three years old
and she was beautiful
i can tell you this very clearly because i know her face
it is the face of a child that i cannot get out of my mind
it is not the face of the daughter i had imagined
she wasnt a fair-haired, green-eyed child ~ bearing that distinct family resemblance
but she was mine
this was unmistakable
she had been separated from me
and i was there to take her home
but i couldnt say her name
feeling like a conservationist approaching an endangered species, fearing it will spook
i couldnt gain her trust
and i failed to convince her to place her dimpled little hand in mine
the dream ended, but the memory is vivid
a face ill never forget and a name ill never know ~
she was mine,
and i was there to take her home...
not the martin luther king jr kind of dream, but a dream nonetheless
the kind that sticks with you
the kind that haunts you throughout your day
the kind that makes you try to explain it to other people
and still they have no idea what the hell you are talking about
the kind that follows you straight into the next day
and leaves you thinking that the only way to release it
is to write about it
so here i am
and here we go
i had a dream
(yes we’ve covered this already)
i had a feature role
but i was not the star
there was someone else
someone ive never met, someone ive never seen before
and a face that i cant get out of my mind
even now i can see her so clearly,
like the face of a long lost friend
a face for which every freckle and every scar
....you were a party to its creation
in my dream i wanted so much for her to connect with me
to see me
to run to me
to hug me
but my nightmare was that i couldnt remember her name, i couldnt gain her trust
i knew she had an unusual name - a beautiful name
but i couldnt speak it
i wanted to bond with her but this lapse of mine was keeping her from recognizing me
what was this “thing” that kept me from retrieving her name?
i wanted her to trust me
but who will you trust who doesnt speak your name?
your name spoken provides validity
it acknowledges your existence
and as desperate as i was ...desperation did not equate to anything but frustration
with trepidation i approached her
i thought if i got closer she would recognize me, and id remember
id remember her name and she, in turn, would remember my voice
but it didnt happen
and my dream ended without resolve
she was mine
a child of about three years old
and she was beautiful
i can tell you this very clearly because i know her face
it is the face of a child that i cannot get out of my mind
it is not the face of the daughter i had imagined
she wasnt a fair-haired, green-eyed child ~ bearing that distinct family resemblance
but she was mine
this was unmistakable
she had been separated from me
and i was there to take her home
but i couldnt say her name
feeling like a conservationist approaching an endangered species, fearing it will spook
i couldnt gain her trust
and i failed to convince her to place her dimpled little hand in mine
the dream ended, but the memory is vivid
a face ill never forget and a name ill never know ~
she was mine,
and i was there to take her home...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
welcome to my world
i thought i was having a bad day when our douchebag landlord (we had to rent for a year while relocating for work in the middle of a real estate crisis and waiting for our fabulous house to sell) won at arbitration stating that we did not give sufficient notice to end our tenancy.
yes apparently, telling his wife one month earlier that our home had sold. or having his wife present as we faxed our offer to purchase our new home did not give them any indication that we were leaving. who knew.
so the douchebags, whom we mistakenly thought were our friends have been granted another month's rent according to a director with the residential tenancy board. wtf?
i could hardly sleep that night. seething with anger. and anticipating my doctor's appointment in the morning.
slimebags, they'd get theirs - i thought.
you see, i am a firm believer in karma
but why did she have to bite MY ass the very next day?
yes, it was a sunday and i had a doctor's appointment.
about a week earlier i felt like i was walking in someone else's shoes when i was told, if you are serious about having a family we need to start IVF and we need to be aggressive.
but if that was what it was like to be in someone else's shoes, then after a full course of two daily needles and oral drugs i was left too puffy & swollen to wear them.
the first appointment hadnt been great. perhaps ill elaborate another time.
the short story is that they had only found four follicles... FOUR - wtf?!
but its okay, deep cleansing breath now. we've got the drugs
the full meal deal
ill go back and they will see me for the overacheiver that i really am.
and this was that day
my chance for my ovaries to prove their worth.
and show how much they appreciated the hormone cocktail i was serving up daily like it was happy hour.
my husband sat staring quizzically at the ultrasound monitor (trying not to acknowledge what the doctor was doing in order for him to have that blurred incomprehesible view)
and there was that moment of
oh, lets see if we can have a better view this way
or this way
or maybe...
with each second the room grew quieter and the facial expressions dropped exponetially
there was no discussion
the doctor and his assistant left the room, saying he would be back in a moment to discuss the results
what was there to discuss
we were right there
there were no secrets, i mean we may not be gynecologists or reproductive specialists but anyone with a brain could tell the prognosis wasnt good
what had happened to my overacheivers?
i cried - i didnt know exactly what he was going to say but i cried
and my husband hugged me
in this stupid ultrasound room, where we had only moments earlier been giggling schoolkids making ridiculous remarks about the equipment
i started crying then
and ive barely stopped since - except to laugh
because i have great friends
you know the kind
the kind that make you laugh when youre already doing the "ugly cry"
and ive got to say, if you think the ugly cry is ugly... you should see it with a laugh thrown in
one
One?
yes ONE follicle
forget someone else's shoes, im pretty sure i was in someone else's skin at that point
the ivf cycle was cancelled
and the rest is a blurr
which keeps coming back to me in waves
one tidal wave
being the moment i called my mother to let her know the whole story
i hadnt told her any of our reproductive woes up until this point
even though they were years in the making
these are the words that broke over me like a surfer being sucked in the vortex of a big ole white cap
after i spilled my story of dissappointment and devastation
the sentence that she uttered to me, her only daughter,
"well honey, i guess you just waited too long"
welcome to my world:
if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother
yes apparently, telling his wife one month earlier that our home had sold. or having his wife present as we faxed our offer to purchase our new home did not give them any indication that we were leaving. who knew.
so the douchebags, whom we mistakenly thought were our friends have been granted another month's rent according to a director with the residential tenancy board. wtf?
i could hardly sleep that night. seething with anger. and anticipating my doctor's appointment in the morning.
slimebags, they'd get theirs - i thought.
you see, i am a firm believer in karma
but why did she have to bite MY ass the very next day?
yes, it was a sunday and i had a doctor's appointment.
about a week earlier i felt like i was walking in someone else's shoes when i was told, if you are serious about having a family we need to start IVF and we need to be aggressive.
but if that was what it was like to be in someone else's shoes, then after a full course of two daily needles and oral drugs i was left too puffy & swollen to wear them.
the first appointment hadnt been great. perhaps ill elaborate another time.
the short story is that they had only found four follicles... FOUR - wtf?!
but its okay, deep cleansing breath now. we've got the drugs
the full meal deal
ill go back and they will see me for the overacheiver that i really am.
and this was that day
my chance for my ovaries to prove their worth.
and show how much they appreciated the hormone cocktail i was serving up daily like it was happy hour.
my husband sat staring quizzically at the ultrasound monitor (trying not to acknowledge what the doctor was doing in order for him to have that blurred incomprehesible view)
and there was that moment of
oh, lets see if we can have a better view this way
or this way
or maybe...
with each second the room grew quieter and the facial expressions dropped exponetially
there was no discussion
the doctor and his assistant left the room, saying he would be back in a moment to discuss the results
what was there to discuss
we were right there
there were no secrets, i mean we may not be gynecologists or reproductive specialists but anyone with a brain could tell the prognosis wasnt good
what had happened to my overacheivers?
i cried - i didnt know exactly what he was going to say but i cried
and my husband hugged me
in this stupid ultrasound room, where we had only moments earlier been giggling schoolkids making ridiculous remarks about the equipment
i started crying then
and ive barely stopped since - except to laugh
because i have great friends
you know the kind
the kind that make you laugh when youre already doing the "ugly cry"
and ive got to say, if you think the ugly cry is ugly... you should see it with a laugh thrown in
one
One?
yes ONE follicle
forget someone else's shoes, im pretty sure i was in someone else's skin at that point
the ivf cycle was cancelled
and the rest is a blurr
which keeps coming back to me in waves
one tidal wave
being the moment i called my mother to let her know the whole story
i hadnt told her any of our reproductive woes up until this point
even though they were years in the making
these are the words that broke over me like a surfer being sucked in the vortex of a big ole white cap
after i spilled my story of dissappointment and devastation
the sentence that she uttered to me, her only daughter,
"well honey, i guess you just waited too long"
welcome to my world:
if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother
