my brother called the other day...
to offer congratulations
yep
my mother told him
told him everything
the infertility
the ivf
the two embryos
everything
what. a. fucking. idiot. she. is.
and yes, one could argue - maybe she was just excited
maybe she didnt realize that you would want to tell him yourself
(a very VERY weak argument i must say)
but i specifically... SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER
that he didnt know ~ !
and that we wanted to wait until AFTER the ultrasound to tell him ourselves
to add insult to injury
when speaking with my sister in law, SIL defended her by saying, “well i guess she thought that since *other brother* already knew, that it was okay to tell us”
omfg ~ yep
she even told them that i had already been in touch with my other brother and his wife
i was seething
its MY news
and yet im left feeling bad about it
feeling bad that i have a wonderful relationship with my sister-in-law
(not that i don’t with both, but we just arent as close - simple)
feeling bad that i trusted my friend/family member with intimate details of our life
feeling bad that i sought and cherished my own "sister’s" guidance and support
only MY mother could make me feel bad
about getting pregnant after infertility
~ only mine
now, i cant help but wonder... WHY am i so bloody surprised
Sunday, September 20, 2009
the betas
12 days post transfer (15 d p retrieval) 316
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597
as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant
for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable
yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know
you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?
the answer... denial
im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx
but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?
honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way
but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other
so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future
i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome
but two went in
and i really want them both
because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other
but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two
i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat
i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597
as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant
for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable
yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know
you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?
the answer... denial
im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx
but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?
honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way
but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other
so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future
i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome
but two went in
and i really want them both
because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other
but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two
i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat
i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want
why my husband “wins”
we dropped my parents off at the airport
and by drop i mean literally “drop”
it kind of resembled a tuck and roll exit from the vehicle
but i convinced wonderbread that he should, in fact, come to a full and complete stop before they exited the car
as we pulled away from the curb, no we didnt park
no we didnt even turn the engine off...
I looked back in the side mirror explaining, “maybe we should just make sure they arent running after us having forgotten something”
his dead pan response, “why are you even looking... this vehicle is not stopping - the visit is OVER.”
so we pulled away
and began breathing again
we then met with a fab friend to help her move
can i ask, is it that paramedics have a nomadic characteristic OR is it that paramedics make such CRAP pay that they are always looking for a better place to live?
either way, i hope my friends find their sugar daddies soon
because they are great paramedics,
so they should really keep doing what they are doing...
but dammit ~
i am tired of moving their shit (even though id do it again)
so we did that
then had lunch, wherein fab g/f # 1 (still sans sugar daddy)
paid for our lunch since we moved her shit
*dumbass* uhhhh, did i mention the CRAP pay?!?
then another fab paramedic friend of ours
who IS tired of moving (but still showed up to help) AND the CRAP paycheque
so much so that she has returned to school for nursing.
yay you
boo employer
she dragged me off to my university campus;
made me find my classes,
buy my books,
get my student card,
etc. etc. etc.
this responsible young lady, 10+ years my junior, was exactly the maternal influence i needed for the day
oh and yes, i really have returned to school to finish that degree that has been nagging at me
i figured what the heck - i cant keep my life on hold forever
so lets enroll, and i did
now im enrolled in three courses toward the third year of my four-year degree with the university of victoria
what. the. hell. was. i. thinking...?
my fab and responsible g/f brought me home to find my fab husband
yes, everybody is “fab” in this post - thats just the mood i am in ~ deal with it
and yes... they are, in fact, FAB
meanwhile, wonderbread had returned home to clean the ENTIRE house upon the close of the royal visit.
floors were swept mopped and vacuumed
house was dusted
bathrooms cleaned
laundry done
AND it was clean sheet day
if that wasnt enough: to top it all off ... there was a little box on the bed
a little wee box
with a card that read:
“little cuddles, little kisses, little coos...
so many new baby moments to look forward to”
THAT’S RIGHT ~!
it was positive !!!
we - are - having - a - baby ~ !
so you might think that that is why my husband “wins”
but wait, there is more
remember the little box?
well inside was a brand new wedding band that he had made for me to replace the one i had (devastatingly) lost.
and just when you think it cant get any better:
on the inside of the card that accompanied my ring he had written...
“something every mother should have”
so yes, my husband definitely wins, or ~ maybe i do
and by drop i mean literally “drop”
it kind of resembled a tuck and roll exit from the vehicle
but i convinced wonderbread that he should, in fact, come to a full and complete stop before they exited the car
as we pulled away from the curb, no we didnt park
no we didnt even turn the engine off...
I looked back in the side mirror explaining, “maybe we should just make sure they arent running after us having forgotten something”
his dead pan response, “why are you even looking... this vehicle is not stopping - the visit is OVER.”
so we pulled away
and began breathing again
we then met with a fab friend to help her move
can i ask, is it that paramedics have a nomadic characteristic OR is it that paramedics make such CRAP pay that they are always looking for a better place to live?
either way, i hope my friends find their sugar daddies soon
because they are great paramedics,
so they should really keep doing what they are doing...
but dammit ~
i am tired of moving their shit (even though id do it again)
so we did that
then had lunch, wherein fab g/f # 1 (still sans sugar daddy)
paid for our lunch since we moved her shit
*dumbass* uhhhh, did i mention the CRAP pay?!?
then another fab paramedic friend of ours
who IS tired of moving (but still showed up to help) AND the CRAP paycheque
so much so that she has returned to school for nursing.
yay you
boo employer
she dragged me off to my university campus;
made me find my classes,
buy my books,
get my student card,
etc. etc. etc.
this responsible young lady, 10+ years my junior, was exactly the maternal influence i needed for the day
oh and yes, i really have returned to school to finish that degree that has been nagging at me
i figured what the heck - i cant keep my life on hold forever
so lets enroll, and i did
now im enrolled in three courses toward the third year of my four-year degree with the university of victoria
what. the. hell. was. i. thinking...?
my fab and responsible g/f brought me home to find my fab husband
yes, everybody is “fab” in this post - thats just the mood i am in ~ deal with it
and yes... they are, in fact, FAB
meanwhile, wonderbread had returned home to clean the ENTIRE house upon the close of the royal visit.
floors were swept mopped and vacuumed
house was dusted
bathrooms cleaned
laundry done
AND it was clean sheet day
if that wasnt enough: to top it all off ... there was a little box on the bed
a little wee box
with a card that read:
“little cuddles, little kisses, little coos...
so many new baby moments to look forward to”
THAT’S RIGHT ~!
it was positive !!!
we - are - having - a - baby ~ !
so you might think that that is why my husband “wins”
but wait, there is more
remember the little box?
well inside was a brand new wedding band that he had made for me to replace the one i had (devastatingly) lost.
and just when you think it cant get any better:
on the inside of the card that accompanied my ring he had written...
“something every mother should have”
so yes, my husband definitely wins, or ~ maybe i do
