the betas

12 days post transfer (15 d p retrieval) 316
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597

as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant

for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable

yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know

you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?

the answer... denial

im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx

but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?

honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way

but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other

so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future

i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome

but two went in
and i really want them both

because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other

but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two

i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat

i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want