paging, dr. freud...

the other night i had a dream
not the martin luther king jr kind of dream, but a dream nonetheless
the kind that sticks with you
the kind that haunts you throughout your day
the kind that makes you try to explain it to other people
and still they have no idea what the hell you are talking about
the kind that follows you straight into the next day
and leaves you thinking that the only way to release it
is to write about it

so here i am
and here we go

i had a dream
(yes we’ve covered this already)

i had a feature role
but i was not the star
there was someone else
someone ive never met, someone ive never seen before
and a face that i cant get out of my mind

even now i can see her so clearly,
like the face of a long lost friend
a face for which every freckle and every scar
....you were a party to its creation

in my dream i wanted so much for her to connect with me
to see me
to run to me
to hug me

but my nightmare was that i couldnt remember her name, i couldnt gain her trust

i knew she had an unusual name - a beautiful name
but i couldnt speak it
i wanted to bond with her but this lapse of mine was keeping her from recognizing me
what was this “thing” that kept me from retrieving her name?

i wanted her to trust me
but who will you trust who doesnt speak your name?
your name spoken provides validity
it acknowledges your existence
and as desperate as i was ...desperation did not equate to anything but frustration

with trepidation i approached her
i thought if i got closer she would recognize me, and id remember
id remember her name and she, in turn, would remember my voice

but it didnt happen
and my dream ended without resolve


she was mine
a child of about three years old
and she was beautiful
i can tell you this very clearly because i know her face
it is the face of a child that i cannot get out of my mind
it is not the face of the daughter i had imagined
she wasnt a fair-haired, green-eyed child ~ bearing that distinct family resemblance
but she was mine
this was unmistakable

she had been separated from me
and i was there to take her home
but i couldnt say her name
feeling like a conservationist approaching an endangered species, fearing it will spook
i couldnt gain her trust
and i failed to convince her to place her dimpled little hand in mine

the dream ended, but the memory is vivid
a face ill never forget and a name ill never know ~
she was mine,
and i was there to take her home...