you just cant make this shit up...

so my mother continues to display her charm and compassion to an incomprehensible degree
let me share with you now, a moment in time
a moment in my life
a moment that is the epitome of what it means to be "daughter" in my family.

my parents are coming to visit
(btw - saw a counsellor for the first time in my life the other day)
did i mention said visit is to be 3 weeks in duration?
(no, these two events did not take place independently)

i had a long conversation with my mom the other day
we talked about all of the things that we could do while they visit
all the touristy "must see" places

when the joy that is tourism died down, i talked to her about what we are going through
y'know that little infertility issue (just to be sure she remembers)
i explained, and i quote "you need to be nice to me"
i told her about the multiple daily injections of hormones and their obvious effect on my psyche - as well as the holding pattern
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles are continuing to mature
the (fingers crossed) retrieval
ICSI - thats intracytoplasmic sperm injection
the maturation (fingers crossed)
the transfer - back to me
the two week wait for a (again... fingers crossed) positive pregnancy test

i explained how stressful all of these waits would be
and how she and dad would be here through it all
and ... she would need to be supportive AND NICE TO ME

i was heading in the next day for my ultrasound
tomorrow i would find out how many follicles my new more aggressive protocol had produced.
tomorrow i may face the same devastating news i had faced in our first cancelled IVF cycle
tomorrow i would try to lose my new moniker of "poor responder"
tomorrow would mark us one day closer to making her a grandparent (again - sigh...)

did she get it...?

what do you think ...

the next day came
four
not the twenty
or sixteen
or nice even dozen that other women produce after this fabulous protocol
i had four
F O U R

but as my fabulously supportive girlfriend said to me, "thats awesome... you've improved by 400%!!!"

so i called my mom
why the fuck did i call my mom
i guess i thought she'd actually be interested
i actually thought she'd want to know
i know that she is going to be here through this cycle
and i figured, if i can involve her right from the start, that would be the best approach

clearly, i was delusional

when we had our previous conversation about their visit and all the joy that that would bring
she was going on about her hair (now granted, i too am one to obsess over my "do" - so i can relate). she was off to see her new "girl" for the second time, it had been too long between visits, she was desperate for a good cut, if it didnt work out she would be so disappointed having to travel with a lousy boufant. so we joked that if her appointment didnt go well... the trip was off

so i called, this was my opening

i didnt even say hi
she answered, and i said, "sooooo... is the trip a go or???"

she laughed - hair was good
and we had a big ole chat about her hair
hey, i have to indulge the things that are important to her, if i want her to do the same for me - right?

now im thinking,
okay mom, ask...
ask me about my day
i want to tell you so ask ~

nothing
not a fucking word
oh wait, im sorry yes
after she ranted about $ bequest to her by her absolutely fabulous friend (and this woman truly was absolutely fabulous and the world is suffering a loss without her in it)
she then asked me, "so what did you do today?"

is it wrong of me, im not sure - but i just couldnt bring myself to tell her
"SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?!"
you have got to be effing kidding me - are you for real?!?
i wanted to RAGE these words into the phone
but i couldnt
and i didnt
i just said, "nuthen" and made some excuse to have to get off the phone


now after a conversation like that, one MIGHT think id learn
but no
no, this skull - she's pretty mother f*cking thick
let me demonstrate:

i called today
yep, what the hell is wrong with her youre thinking - i know, i know
but i called

i called because i was excited
i was happy
i got transferred
ive been transferred to a station that cuts my commute by 1.5 hours EACH way
and more than that
its a busier station
AND ive worked there, doing some coverage, and ive had SO much fun there
one of my classmates - and person in the top ten of my favourite people - works there
i was happy and i wanted to share it with my mom... go figure

so i called
god im an idiot
lets just get that straight right now... i am aware
i am a thick-skulled idiot

mom told me that she had been out to visit s&r because r was home from his surgery
(s&r are like those aunt and uncle people who arent actually related but are more like family than your real relatives) so im all... Surgery?!?!

apparently r has prostate cancer - news to me
and mom went on and on about his prognosis his treatment his recovery
and i couldnt help but think ... why isnt she THIS interested in ME?
i, of course, didnt say it

but when she was done, i had an moment of realization
both of their children are adopted!
so i asked, (my perfect segway to mention that whole IVF thing and maybe even find a confidante in my "aunt") "did s do IVF?"
mom answers incredulously, "NO... her kids are both ADOPTED! *you idiot implied*"
i replied, "i know mom... but people dont usually go STRAIGHT to adoption"
so she muttered and said that s had NOT done IVF
BUT... she was so proud to announce s's brother! HE was remarried, and while he ALREADY has kids, his new wife is 40 and they are going through IVF AND they just had FOUR embryos transferred and they were SO happy to find out that the have JUST ONE HEARTBEAT! isnt that GREAT?!

ummmm ya mom... thats great

okay so apparently were not going to talk about me
youd almost think this would be a perfect set up, but no - notsomuch

instead she asked, so what are you up to tonight?
okay, i can handle it - afterall i DID call to tell her my work news

i explained that i was off to a barbeque held by the unit chief at station "x"
we chatted about that for a bit and then i had perfect opportunity to tell her about my big work news

and her response...
wait for it
WAIT FOR IT ~

"now, andy & tammy - they live in 'insert town here', is that right?"

i swear... you just cant make this shit up