placebo? ...don't mind if i do

im sure my avid readers (all three of you) are anxiously awaiting the story of the big resolve. there the three of you have been, holding your breath for months now... anticipating the great heartfelt and emotional growth that occurred between me and my mother

BAHahahahaha, im afraid my posting negligence has left you with some strange idea of what this blog is all about

so no, it never really came
but i believe (whether true or not) that i made my point

my mother and i did not speak until december
she left messages and sent cards (anniversary, birthdays etc) with a vague sense of an apology

but i needed acknowledgment
or rather - perhaps i am too stubborn to let that be good enough *those of you who know me may commence your ironic outburst of laughter now*

strangely i had a lot of pressure from friends to make amends, which i still dont understand
i heard a lot of "youll feel different once you are a mother" ...really?!? really i will?!?
because truth be told, i have no doubt that i will be literally shat on on a daily basis
but the figurative shit - who needs that?

why do people think it is okay for family to treat you like crap? is there a crap license issued with the birth certificate that i am unaware of? cuz if they intend to issue me one, they can save the paper

that being said i didnt want this to drag on forever either, but how do i call?
what the hell was i going to say?
and i sure as fuck didnt want my olive branch to be received as "i forgive you"
because i dont
the behaviour was completely unacceptable and yet i was done - i didnt want to rehash it

i didnt want to explore our feelings
but enough was enough and it needed to be done

i struggled over making the call when finally, one december afternoon she called me.
and while unsure of what would await me on the other end of the line i answered with an enthusiastic, "HI MOM!"

and with those two words it was as if nothing had ever happened

and none of it was ever mentioned again

(yes there are several ostrich-head holes in my family's backyard)

i do think we made some progress though, obviously ill never really know
but this is what i choose to believe
and, even if its my own big fat placebo im chewing on... it tastes good