12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell

im waiting
and im killing time
(5 hours and counting)
realizing that i am 12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell
there is lingo, boy is there

right now i am finishing the 2ww (two week wait)
12dp3dt (12 days post 3 day transfer, 3 day transfer is the amount of time our twins spent at the babysitters)
grade A is the grading process
(btw there is no universal grading process, weird huh?)
ours were as perfect as they can be according to our clinic, both 19/20
8-cell (they had divided to 8 cells)

hCG was the blood test we had today (human corionic gonandotropin)
if you want, you can buy a drug store pregnancy test
- however they arent reliable for those of us in the ivf club,
thats right, its a club
not quite as spanky as the he-man-woman-hater's club,
but a club just the same...
because of all the hormones we are pumping ourselves with
the trigger shot that is required to release the follicles is a synthetic form of the same hormone that the HPT (home pregnancy test) measures.
so its already in your system
and we club members could end up with a false positive... NO THANK YOU

or
if we have managed to absorb the trigger shot (ie, no false positive)
but
we test too early, before our bodies have started to produce the hCG on its own
then we can have a false negative... NO THANK YOU

so ill just wait, fun club though huh?

and ill resist the urge to visit the IF blogs (infertility)
and post my stats:
12dpt3dt 2 grade A 8-cell 12/12 2ww ICSI IVF #2 estrogen priming microdose flare protocol

instead:
ill iron my linens
because, i am THAT person
i iron my bedding

think what you want... i dont even give a care

i will not eat the marshmallow

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.

please, dont touch the callouses...

im trying to focus on the good things
trying to keep myself occupied
trying to keep myself from counting the days
the hours
the minutes
until:
1. my parents leave
and
2. our pregnancy test

i can focus on the good
because as of now...
1. we are closer to the end of the visit than we are the beginning
and
2. we are closer to our POSITIVE hCG test
- four, count 'em FOUR days -
than we were in the beginning

i can focus on the good because as of now...
i am pregnant
i am pregnant until proven otherwise
so i will relish in it
and not buy clothes when shopping with my mom
(okay i bought some - but ALL with the thought of,
"hmmmmm... how cute will a pregnant kelley be in this ensemble?"
the answer: fab *wink*
and so i am now in possession of a few new "must haves")

i am, however, still struggling with my parents
it is such an internal conflict for me
it is like having children living with us
and it is driving me absolutely crazy
what a quandry... when we would so love to have two children living with us
~ our family

the timing truly couldnt be worse
but, what is a daughter to do?
the answer: i suck it up
and im learning not to "bite"

even today, when singing the praises of my wonderbread while shopping after pedicures with my g/f and our moms - i bit my tongue...
i bit my tongue when i told my friend, with my mother in earshot
that my fabulous husband made me coffee this morning, and toast, delivered it, then ironed my clothes :)
this is not news to my g/f, she has been a party to just how great he is
but really, its fun to share in the joy that is my amazing husband
and im pretty sure she appreciates him - if for nothing else,
for putting up with me

then my mother pipes up
~ obviously overwhelmed with the desire to cut someone down,
"well, isnt that EVERY morning?"
so i dont bite
*proud moment*
i just reply, "well actually mom - we take turns"
(which we truly do - see, funny thing... we love AND respect each other, imagine?!)
my mom pauses and remarks, "i guess it hasnt been your turn lately"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

im sorry, did we forget to mention whats going on here???
you see, between our scheduling your holiday itinerary
and cooking your meals
we've been managing a little stress
and compound that with daily multi-doses of medication
to increase our odds of a successful pregnancy
im a little FUCKING TIRED

i know the universe revolves around you, your royal highness
but we've kinda been dealing with some "stuff"

not sure if you noticed

i realize youve made time to notice many of my flaws
so im wondering - care to have a look at my ovaries?!
perhaps you could even point and laugh while youre at it

~ no i did NOT say any of that, because im learning

you see, its the steady trickle of comments like that
that are thankfully THANKFULLY thickening my skin.

i may have had a pedicure today
but i told my esthetician,

"please, dont touch the callouses ...they're working for me"

crack whore aspirations: quashed

we did it
we are really here

we picked up the twins today from the babysitter
(best babysitter on earth i might add)
she did mention that they were very well behaved
hmmmm...

so here's how things have gone over the past few days:

retreival on sunday
i was really quite out of it
i remember good drugs, a cocktail including:
iv benadryl ~ a prophylactic for my crazy unpredictable allergies
(ya, its been a while since my name has been used in conjunction with the word "prophylactic")
plus fentanyl and another lovely pharmaceutical whose name i cannot recall
just as well though, as i may be tempted to start bribing pharmacists for another crack at that stuff

i had bed spins for a moment and quickly adapted (im good like that)

wonderbread was by my side, holding on with two hands
as my friend instructed (one was for her - oh, dont even get me started *insert hormonal meltdown here*)
now the rest is as he remembers, because me... i was well on my way to giving up the whole thing and becoming a career drug-seeking crack whore instead

we knew going in that there were three on the right ovary
two were mature, one questionable - sigh
on the left we had one ...that we could find
and it was suspected that that one could actually be a cyst and not a follicle
double sigh...

so there we were
me
wonderbread at my left
nurse/aenesthetist (my new best friend) at my right
doctor between my legs - actually seemed more like a diembodied surgical cap/mask wearing head, but im gonna chalk that up to the drugs and say it wasnt really so
an ultrasound screen between the doctor and my new best friend
the clinic director at wonderbread's left acting as assistant between the embryologist (aka the babysitter) and the doctor
the babysitter was through a passageway and in an attached lab

we had met with the babysitter and she explained that she would be calling out what she had found as the cells were delivered to her

i knew this meant we would hear success, (yay) but it could also mean we would hear silence meaning failure, sigh...

because we had so few follicles
and i had been such a "poor responder" ~ gawd i hate that term ~ to the medications
they would be flushing the follicles
they would use saline and flush the follicles of all cells until such time as the embryologist let the team know that the follicle was void of any material
this is a higher risk procedure, however, it does ensure that every opportunity to retrieve the existing eggs is taken
now i dont remember this
but wonderbread explained the events as this:
one follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... nothing yet
move on to the next one as the embryologist continues examining the last flush;
next follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in first follicle
move on to the third as the embyologist continues examining the last flush;
third follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in the second follicle
move on to the left ovary (things obviously not looking good on the right)
and now we are moving on to our suspected "cyst"
the room has taken a turn, there is a silence that is palpable - even to this stoned chick on the table
more drugs are definitely in order, thanks to my new best friend
the doctor attempts to flush the questionable follicle on the left and ...shit
it is in fact a cyst - full of ...nothing
nothing
sometimes listening to silence is the loudest most empty thing you will ever have to endure
and then i heard her voice
~ faint like a voice that falls over you with an origin you dont dare question

"i have one"

the embryologist from the lab
from the other room
through her mask
she had found one from the last flush of the third follicle on the right
b r e a t h e
everybody breathe
and just when you think that was the winning play...

someone throws a hail mary:

the doctor then noticed a tiny follicle that he hadnt detected on the preparatory ultrasounds
it was small, seemed immature, but there would be no man (or potential man) left behind

my follicle, unfortunately, had other ideas. see - he had heard that he was supposed to STAY in there
after all, i had been having long conversations with my body about what it needed to do and how it could oblige and be cooperative in this whole process

so he ran away from that very large needle that was so purposefully stalking him in my ovary
he really ran
he ran so far that my new best friend found herself draped across my body pressing down on my abdomen with all her weight so that needle and follicle could finally get acquainted

my thoughts, "damn - this hurts... hey newbestfriend, i could...
Wait A Minute... YOU BITCH - NOW whose gonna give me my drugs?!?!"

it was a longshot
but worth it
that little runner = one more mature follicle

holeeee crap

i was stoned and happy, a really good combination
and i had wonderbread on my team
it was as good an outcome as we could have expected
to go in with a questionable three/four
and come out with two, mature eggs was ...amazing

it was so strange to leave the building - and exactly how our enbryologist gained the nickname, "babysitter"

at 1400h wonderbread's "guys" would be introduced via ICSI
and at that time we were lying on our bed at home, listening to our cd
thinking thoughts so positive, i believe a rainbow appeared above our home
perhaps even a few unicorns trotted on by

we would have to wait until the next morning to find out how well the meeting went
and i think time has actually slowed over the last few days

that morning we got the call
two made it
both of them mature
BOTH OF THEM
and they were introduced with the most handsome sperm she could find
and now they were behaving well
we would have to wait until the same time the next day for a grade to be applied to their progress and, of course, they must continue to survive... minor detail

same time next day we received a call from our babysitter giving us the good news
there are two (still)!
and now lets talk about grading:

we grade them on a scale of 1 to 20
and just like the teacher you hated in school, we never give out a perfect score
now based on your low follicle count we generally expect that embryos produced in your situation dont usually have the highest grades, but that doesnt mean they arent successful

"would you like to know how yours are doing?"
ahhhhh - the suspense, you could tell this woman loves her job

"both are NINETEENS... we are over the moon in the lab here"
she then explained that we had completely changed her expectation for poor responders

thats me ~ ill change your mind about a whole lot of things - but, i digress...

all is well
now they are perfect little 4-celled embryos
yay us
and now the wait continues - an appointment for transfer will be set up for tomorrow
someone from the clinic will call with info.

of course, another day of trepidation waiting to see/hear how they continue to grow
and hope that 1. they make it
2. they continue to divide
3. we can find some way to sleep that night

our appointment was at 0800h
we went in
same room
no sign of my new best friend

we did, however, pick the kids up from the sitter's
now two perfect little 8-celled embryos
like layered four leaf clovers

now here i sit singing to myself, "im looking over a four leaf clover..."
and couldnt be happier to show off our first baby(ies) picture:



poor responder... MY ASS
i guess i wont be a crack whore afterall

the wisdom of charlie brown

tomorrow is "the day"
one of many THE days to come

but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day

tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst

tomorrow will tell so much

wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile

my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations

i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony

im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed

i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha

my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there

in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did

im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose

wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be

i miss her with every fibre of my being

when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection

it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do

so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy

...no wonder we never complained

you just cant make this shit up...

so my mother continues to display her charm and compassion to an incomprehensible degree
let me share with you now, a moment in time
a moment in my life
a moment that is the epitome of what it means to be "daughter" in my family.

my parents are coming to visit
(btw - saw a counsellor for the first time in my life the other day)
did i mention said visit is to be 3 weeks in duration?
(no, these two events did not take place independently)

i had a long conversation with my mom the other day
we talked about all of the things that we could do while they visit
all the touristy "must see" places

when the joy that is tourism died down, i talked to her about what we are going through
y'know that little infertility issue (just to be sure she remembers)
i explained, and i quote "you need to be nice to me"
i told her about the multiple daily injections of hormones and their obvious effect on my psyche - as well as the holding pattern
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles are continuing to mature
the (fingers crossed) retrieval
ICSI - thats intracytoplasmic sperm injection
the maturation (fingers crossed)
the transfer - back to me
the two week wait for a (again... fingers crossed) positive pregnancy test

i explained how stressful all of these waits would be
and how she and dad would be here through it all
and ... she would need to be supportive AND NICE TO ME

i was heading in the next day for my ultrasound
tomorrow i would find out how many follicles my new more aggressive protocol had produced.
tomorrow i may face the same devastating news i had faced in our first cancelled IVF cycle
tomorrow i would try to lose my new moniker of "poor responder"
tomorrow would mark us one day closer to making her a grandparent (again - sigh...)

did she get it...?

what do you think ...

the next day came
four
not the twenty
or sixteen
or nice even dozen that other women produce after this fabulous protocol
i had four
F O U R

but as my fabulously supportive girlfriend said to me, "thats awesome... you've improved by 400%!!!"

so i called my mom
why the fuck did i call my mom
i guess i thought she'd actually be interested
i actually thought she'd want to know
i know that she is going to be here through this cycle
and i figured, if i can involve her right from the start, that would be the best approach

clearly, i was delusional

when we had our previous conversation about their visit and all the joy that that would bring
she was going on about her hair (now granted, i too am one to obsess over my "do" - so i can relate). she was off to see her new "girl" for the second time, it had been too long between visits, she was desperate for a good cut, if it didnt work out she would be so disappointed having to travel with a lousy boufant. so we joked that if her appointment didnt go well... the trip was off

so i called, this was my opening

i didnt even say hi
she answered, and i said, "sooooo... is the trip a go or???"

she laughed - hair was good
and we had a big ole chat about her hair
hey, i have to indulge the things that are important to her, if i want her to do the same for me - right?

now im thinking,
okay mom, ask...
ask me about my day
i want to tell you so ask ~

nothing
not a fucking word
oh wait, im sorry yes
after she ranted about $ bequest to her by her absolutely fabulous friend (and this woman truly was absolutely fabulous and the world is suffering a loss without her in it)
she then asked me, "so what did you do today?"

is it wrong of me, im not sure - but i just couldnt bring myself to tell her
"SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?!"
you have got to be effing kidding me - are you for real?!?
i wanted to RAGE these words into the phone
but i couldnt
and i didnt
i just said, "nuthen" and made some excuse to have to get off the phone


now after a conversation like that, one MIGHT think id learn
but no
no, this skull - she's pretty mother f*cking thick
let me demonstrate:

i called today
yep, what the hell is wrong with her youre thinking - i know, i know
but i called

i called because i was excited
i was happy
i got transferred
ive been transferred to a station that cuts my commute by 1.5 hours EACH way
and more than that
its a busier station
AND ive worked there, doing some coverage, and ive had SO much fun there
one of my classmates - and person in the top ten of my favourite people - works there
i was happy and i wanted to share it with my mom... go figure

so i called
god im an idiot
lets just get that straight right now... i am aware
i am a thick-skulled idiot

mom told me that she had been out to visit s&r because r was home from his surgery
(s&r are like those aunt and uncle people who arent actually related but are more like family than your real relatives) so im all... Surgery?!?!

apparently r has prostate cancer - news to me
and mom went on and on about his prognosis his treatment his recovery
and i couldnt help but think ... why isnt she THIS interested in ME?
i, of course, didnt say it

but when she was done, i had an moment of realization
both of their children are adopted!
so i asked, (my perfect segway to mention that whole IVF thing and maybe even find a confidante in my "aunt") "did s do IVF?"
mom answers incredulously, "NO... her kids are both ADOPTED! *you idiot implied*"
i replied, "i know mom... but people dont usually go STRAIGHT to adoption"
so she muttered and said that s had NOT done IVF
BUT... she was so proud to announce s's brother! HE was remarried, and while he ALREADY has kids, his new wife is 40 and they are going through IVF AND they just had FOUR embryos transferred and they were SO happy to find out that the have JUST ONE HEARTBEAT! isnt that GREAT?!

ummmm ya mom... thats great

okay so apparently were not going to talk about me
youd almost think this would be a perfect set up, but no - notsomuch

instead she asked, so what are you up to tonight?
okay, i can handle it - afterall i DID call to tell her my work news

i explained that i was off to a barbeque held by the unit chief at station "x"
we chatted about that for a bit and then i had perfect opportunity to tell her about my big work news

and her response...
wait for it
WAIT FOR IT ~

"now, andy & tammy - they live in 'insert town here', is that right?"

i swear... you just cant make this shit up