dear douchebag landlord: (take two)

okay - ive given it another try
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)


Dear Douchebag Landlords:

RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________

We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.

We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.

It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.

We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.

Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.

So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.

Sincerely,



Kelley & wonderbread
encl.

dear douchebag landlord:

im having a hard time sending our cheque off to the landlords
(see previous post "welcome to my world")
i feel compelled to write a letter to send along, but i just cant figure out what to say.

here's what i have so far, please look it over and let me know if ive missed anything, any spelling mistakes, gramatical issues, etc.

Dear Douchebag Landlords:

Here is your cheque.
Please fuck off and die.

Sincerely,
Kelley

i think the "please" is a nice touch, makes it all friendly like
hmmmm... maybe its too mushy - perhaps ill try another draft, we'll see

paging, dr. freud...

the other night i had a dream
not the martin luther king jr kind of dream, but a dream nonetheless
the kind that sticks with you
the kind that haunts you throughout your day
the kind that makes you try to explain it to other people
and still they have no idea what the hell you are talking about
the kind that follows you straight into the next day
and leaves you thinking that the only way to release it
is to write about it

so here i am
and here we go

i had a dream
(yes we’ve covered this already)

i had a feature role
but i was not the star
there was someone else
someone ive never met, someone ive never seen before
and a face that i cant get out of my mind

even now i can see her so clearly,
like the face of a long lost friend
a face for which every freckle and every scar
....you were a party to its creation

in my dream i wanted so much for her to connect with me
to see me
to run to me
to hug me

but my nightmare was that i couldnt remember her name, i couldnt gain her trust

i knew she had an unusual name - a beautiful name
but i couldnt speak it
i wanted to bond with her but this lapse of mine was keeping her from recognizing me
what was this “thing” that kept me from retrieving her name?

i wanted her to trust me
but who will you trust who doesnt speak your name?
your name spoken provides validity
it acknowledges your existence
and as desperate as i was ...desperation did not equate to anything but frustration

with trepidation i approached her
i thought if i got closer she would recognize me, and id remember
id remember her name and she, in turn, would remember my voice

but it didnt happen
and my dream ended without resolve


she was mine
a child of about three years old
and she was beautiful
i can tell you this very clearly because i know her face
it is the face of a child that i cannot get out of my mind
it is not the face of the daughter i had imagined
she wasnt a fair-haired, green-eyed child ~ bearing that distinct family resemblance
but she was mine
this was unmistakable

she had been separated from me
and i was there to take her home
but i couldnt say her name
feeling like a conservationist approaching an endangered species, fearing it will spook
i couldnt gain her trust
and i failed to convince her to place her dimpled little hand in mine

the dream ended, but the memory is vivid
a face ill never forget and a name ill never know ~
she was mine,
and i was there to take her home...