if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother

pregnant is the new black - week 35

2010-07-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

35 weeks 1 day

drs. say if babies are born after week 35, they get to come home with us - yay us
one more milestone

any guesses on how many more "belly shots"?

pregnant is the new black - week 34

2010-07-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

34 weeks 0 days

baby A's kidney got t he "thumbs up" on the 3rd u/s
...no extra ports, as thought
...no cysts, as thought
...no tumour, as thought
im so glad they kept these 'thoughts' to themselves - i might have actually broken the internet

and fyi ~ waist is 43 inches... and phase 2 fat pants are getting tight, yah they are :)

pregnant is the new black - week 33

2010-07-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

33 weeks 0 days

thought we might be taking pictures in VGH nursery today ~ contractions last night down to 7 minutes apart - yikes!

is it wrong that i was thinking:
but my BAG isnt packed...
AND i have a paper to write...

(just to be clear here... dont want you guys to think the above comment is COMPLETELY self-absorbed:
the gestation for twins is quicker and 33 weeks is a much more advanced stage than with a singleton)

pregnant is the new black - week 32

2010-07-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

32 weeks 0 days
~ BIG milestone for us

my fabulous husband came home with flowers
and a card that said, "happy 32 weeks"

how great is he?

pregnant is the new black - week 30

2010-07-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

30 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 31

2010-07-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

31 weeks 0 days

feeling every bit like a "wishbone"
as my friend sharon SO adequately put it

pregnant is the new black - week 29

2010-07-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

29 weeks 0 days

babies are 2lb 10oz & 2lb 12oz
heart rates were, for the first time NOT 10 beats apart
but rather 135 & 138 (:

of the six kidneys i currently have
one is a bit enlarged ...think good thoughts ♥

pregnant is the new black - week 28

2010-06-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

28 weeks 0 days
another ultrasound tomorrow :)

fyi ~ these are "phase 2" fat pants ... life is good

pregnant is the new black - week 27

2010-06-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

27 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 26

2010-06-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

26 weeks 0 days

im wearing a running shirt...
truth is ~ i hit my target heart rate just posing for the photo :)

pregnant is the new black - week 25

2010-06-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

25 weeks 0 days

babies are 1lb 10oz ea.
... and so are each of my asscheeks
:)

pregnant is the new black - week 24

2010-06-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

24 weeks 0 days

missed a week (23) ~ sooooo tired...

pregnant is the new black - week 22

2010-06-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

22 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 21

2010-06-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

21 weeks 0 days
oop ~ camera was a bit too close
sure i grew, but not THAT much!
see i DO need those visual guides the bathroom automatically provided
OCD comes in handy once again, sigh...

pregnant is the new black - week 20

2010-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

20 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 19

2010-06-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

19 weeks 0 days
...and my goofy boy :)

exponential ass expansion - had to buy new BIGGER underwear

pregnant is the new black - week 18

2010-06-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

18 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 17

2010-06-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

17 weeks 0 days

pregnant is the new black - week 16

2010-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

belly shot ~ 16 weeks 0 days
:)

the best mother's day gift... ever

2010-05-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

May 9th 2009: My boys' due date

...instead I had the great fortune to spend a whole extra month getting to know them.

I ♥ my boys ~ all of them

how to get lucky: a step-by-step guide (with pictures!)

2010-02-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

1. show some skin (puregon in the a.m. - repronex in the p.m.)

2. get ready for a poke (my snazzy puregon "pen")

3. remember there is a fine line between pleasure & pain (puregon hurts!)

4. skilled hands are a definite asset (suprefact 2 x daily - a.m. & p.m.)

5. show some enthusiasm! (yay, injections done ~ for the a.m. at least)

6. don't be afraid to invest in some toys. (making babies is easy, mmkay?)

7. remember, not all pokes are the same. (suprefact, repronex, puregon ~ oh my...)

crinone, estrace, iron & more

i still cant believe the contraceptive efforts we took throughout the years

but look what we made! (fyi... im about to "get lucky")

my wonderbread, who held both hands... as instructed

but i do think his hands might have been shaking a bit

placebo? ...don't mind if i do

2010-02-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

im sure my avid readers (all three of you) are anxiously awaiting the story of the big resolve. there the three of you have been, holding your breath for months now... anticipating the great heartfelt and emotional growth that occurred between me and my mother

BAHahahahaha, im afraid my posting negligence has left you with some strange idea of what this blog is all about

so no, it never really came
but i believe (whether true or not) that i made my point

my mother and i did not speak until december
she left messages and sent cards (anniversary, birthdays etc) with a vague sense of an apology

but i needed acknowledgment
or rather - perhaps i am too stubborn to let that be good enough *those of you who know me may commence your ironic outburst of laughter now*

strangely i had a lot of pressure from friends to make amends, which i still dont understand
i heard a lot of "youll feel different once you are a mother" ...really?!? really i will?!?
because truth be told, i have no doubt that i will be literally shat on on a daily basis
but the figurative shit - who needs that?

why do people think it is okay for family to treat you like crap? is there a crap license issued with the birth certificate that i am unaware of? cuz if they intend to issue me one, they can save the paper

that being said i didnt want this to drag on forever either, but how do i call?
what the hell was i going to say?
and i sure as fuck didnt want my olive branch to be received as "i forgive you"
because i dont
the behaviour was completely unacceptable and yet i was done - i didnt want to rehash it

i didnt want to explore our feelings
but enough was enough and it needed to be done

i struggled over making the call when finally, one december afternoon she called me.
and while unsure of what would await me on the other end of the line i answered with an enthusiastic, "HI MOM!"

and with those two words it was as if nothing had ever happened

and none of it was ever mentioned again

(yes there are several ostrich-head holes in my family's backyard)

i do think we made some progress though, obviously ill never really know
but this is what i choose to believe
and, even if its my own big fat placebo im chewing on... it tastes good

if the clinic claims your bill is upaid, can they take a baby back?!?

2010-01-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

I received a phone call from my clinic saying, "hey we've just noticed that we neglected to bill you $350.00 so we're gonna apply that to your credit card right now... MMKAY?!"

my reply, "uhhhh... how 'bout NO?!"

----- Original Message -----
From: T****
Date: Thursday, January 28, 2010 3:23 pm
Subject:
To: kelley******@shaw.ca

Hi Kelley,

Sorry I haven't got back to you sooner, I wanted to go through your chart and make sure that we are all on the same page. I have calculated both cycles and have figured out that according to your stimulation you actually did use the Puregon 300 IU. We had missed it on your receipt but have gone through the calculations thoroughly to make sure. Unfortunately, this does happen and we do not notice it until we write an insurance letter. I don't want to be a pest but the accounting department is pressuring us. I can attach the calculations for you. I have done them twice to make sure my brain works.

T****

T****
Clinical Coordinator
Victoria, BC V8X 5J2
(250) 704-**** ext 3/(250) 704-**** Fax
t**********@********fertility.com

--Message Attachment--
From: kelley******@shaw.ca
To: t**********@victoriafertility.com
CC: wonderbread @ work
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:45:10 -0800
Subject: puregon

Hi T****:

Thank you for the reply, I was actually starting to wonder what I had to do to get some resolve. I had asked for an official receipt in October and was told to expect one in two week's time. After 6 weeks had passed, I then received a phone call telling (not asking) that my credit card was going to be charged the amount of the Puregon *note we NEVER paid by credit card so they didnt have our # for PRECISELY this reason - horray for forsight*. When I asked for clarification the person was unable to provide any insight and I was told I needed to speak with you. I left a message (after being disconnected and having to call back) but my call was never returned.

We then received a bill in the mail marked "PAST DUE" and upon receipt I called again. Again speaking with accounting and again being told that I needed to speak with you. I left another message and I appreciate your getting back to me now.

My point is that it has taken an awfully long time for us to scratch the surface of this issue and while I do appreciate your message, I still don't feel comfortable that we have been accurately billed.

I have every vial and every needle and can account for every pill that I have taken, as such I would like to receive an itemized and detailed account that proves the accounting error.

We were not permitted to leave the clinic without paying for our medications. I am not denying that there was a final stim that involved Puregon as your investigation into my chart would surely support however, as I have explained in every conversation with the clinic on this matter, we simply used what we had on hand.

I suspect the clinic's accounting error lies in the fact that the Puregon that I used for my final stim was, as I have been trying to express, from the existing Puregon I had on hand. If you will recall, you and I had a conversation regarding the fact that each vial of Puregon contains 400 IU and with each 300 IU injection it results in 100 IU of viable medication considered "waste". Instead of disposing of the medication, I kept mine refrigerated. When faced with what was inevitably our final stim, I asked if there was any reason that I couldn't simply use the remaining 100 IU x 3 from the "waste" medication. By drawing up three 100 IU units into a subQ needle and then injecting it myself, instead of using the auto inject pen, it would negate the purchase of more medication. I was told that if I was comfortable with the calculation and extracting the Puregon that there was no reason not to use what we had on hand. Therefore, instead of purchasing the Puregon we purchased subcutaneous needles.

So yes, I'm sure our records would indicate a dosage of medication that normally would involve a final purchase of Puregon to support the stim, but as I have noted here, and explained during each of my telephone conversations with the clinic, we did not purchase drug as we already had it on hand and had approval to use it as stated above.

Meanwhile it has been in excess of 12 weeks since we attended the clinic and we are still without a receipt that we can forward to our insurance company to claim our many thousands of dollars worth of expenses.

I look forward to your reply and appreciate your assistance in this matter.

Sincerely,

Kelley ******

to apologize - dont you have to say, "sorry"?!

2009-10-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

ive been feeling like crap
taking days off work
(shit, cuz im not sure if you know but paramedics in BC arent exactly independently wealthy see: www.saveourparamedics.com )

have i got THE SWINE?
i dont think so
do i feel like the stuff swines are synonymous with - what is that now...?!
SHIT!?
...absof*ckinglutely

so while wallowing in my snottiness
i decided a steam shower might just make me feel better
if not, at least LOOK better

when i emerged from my steam - feeling somewhat less phlegmy and definitely less icky - i saw that i had missed a phone call.
well, low and behold it was my beloved mother

a wee pang (and PLEASE let me emphasize WEE) befell me
i thought, damn she finally called...
and now she is going to think that im not taking her calls
i mean, im all for making a point, but if she is willing to call and apologize
ive got to give her a chance

BAHAHAHAAA...!

seriously - WHAT. THE. FUCK. is the matter with me?

its okay though, she left a message
now prepare yourself for a big ole dose of warm and fuzzy
cuz here it is, verbatim:
(i shit you not)

"hi kelley its your mommy calling
just call ...must've gotten her script messed up...
i understand you are very angry with me
but i want to make sure that everything is okay
and just want to let you know that i love you
when you are done being angry, please give me a call
bye for now"

am i losing my mind~!?
is THIS what an apology sounds like?
im not sure - see ive never had one from my mother before

you know what though ~ im actually glad she called
why, you ask?
well, i hadnt posted in sooooo long!
*wink*

the streak has come to a projectile end

2009-10-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

8 years
thats how long it was...

yep
8 years since the last time i vomited ~

a.k.a.: threw up,
blew chunks,
puked,
barfed,
prayed to the porcelain god,
hurled,
technicolour yawned,
ralphed,
tossed my cookies,
spewed,
yacked...
i think you get the picture

but the vomit-free streak is over
and came to an impressive and projectile end
time of death: 23:58h ~ October 1, 2009

can i just say? "oh. my. fucking. god"

now why, why exactly would i have some ridiculous and romantic notion of what pregnancy puking would be like, but delusional as i tend to be...
i was sorrily SORRILY mistaken

note to self:
must seriously rethink the location of my seat in each of my UVic classes

it was awful,
without warning
(unless 8+ weeks of nausea is considered warning);
projectile (as mentioned earlier);
and violent.

...and i couldnt be happier

we're sorry, this call cannot be completed as dialed...

2009-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

hard to believe
but she shocked me again

i found out that not only did she tell my brother and sister-in-law
(see previous post)
but she also told:
my niece, age 12
my nephew, barely 4
~ and both without consent from their parents
AND while i was hardly 6 weeks pregnant

now if that wasnt enough...
she attended a BABY shower for the lovely wife of one of my friends and,
talk about a new level of inappropriate,
she announced HER news there as well

and since then
has been spreading the news like a big ole f*cking out-of-control wild fire,
all over my hometown

i have nobody left to tell
no announcement to make

she told everybody - all my relatives (beyond those mentioned)
basically EVERYBODY with ears

aaaaand she also did all of this BEFORE our FIRST ultrasound.
plus there is THIS too:
she told everybody that we are having twins ~ W.T.F.?

all of this aforementioned pleasantry i found out
on the same day we had our ultrasound
i cant believe that she could actually take away from the joy of that day
but she did
she put her own little stink on it

and i dont need her stinking up anymore good days

so for the past 2+ weeks my mother has been calling
and coincidentally i am always unavailable to pick up, imagine?!

and y'know, im not sure when ill be picking up either,
but i do know that its not gonna happen any time soon

btw... she just called again,
and actually mentioned that im not returning her calls
holy shit lady - you are an insightful one

so needlesstosay she hasnt even heard the results of our ultrasound,
thats how long ive been screening her calls
thats how long ive been stewing about this

she thinks she knows everything
she thinks she has enough information to share with the world
well then i guess she doesnt need me

and thats JUST fine

now i digress, but once again the decision to move to the farthest point
on the opposite side of the country
is oh soooooo very clear

if i didnt believe so strongly in karma
id tell her:
"there is NO baby or BABIES
there was no heartbeat
its over
thanks for the support
go spread that news now, you asshole"
but i wont

instead my husband says he's going to answer the phone
some day
when im not here
and let her know what he thinks

...gawd, i love him

WANTED: MOTHER - crime: stolen thunder

2009-09-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

my brother called the other day...
to offer congratulations

yep

my mother told him
told him everything
the infertility
the ivf
the two embryos
everything

what. a. fucking. idiot. she. is.

and yes, one could argue - maybe she was just excited
maybe she didnt realize that you would want to tell him yourself
(a very VERY weak argument i must say)

but i specifically... SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER
that he didnt know ~ !
and that we wanted to wait until AFTER the ultrasound to tell him ourselves

to add insult to injury
when speaking with my sister in law, SIL defended her by saying, “well i guess she thought that since *other brother* already knew, that it was okay to tell us”

omfg ~ yep
she even told them that i had already been in touch with my other brother and his wife

i was seething

its MY news
and yet im left feeling bad about it
feeling bad that i have a wonderful relationship with my sister-in-law
(not that i don’t with both, but we just arent as close - simple)
feeling bad that i trusted my friend/family member with intimate details of our life
feeling bad that i sought and cherished my own "sister’s" guidance and support

only MY mother could make me feel bad
about getting pregnant after infertility
~ only mine

now, i cant help but wonder... WHY am i so bloody surprised

the betas

2009-09-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

12 days post transfer (15 d p retrieval) 316
14 days post transfer (17 d p retrieval) 600
15 days post transfer (19 d p retrieval) 1597

as the clinical coordinator explained to me:
i am VERY pregnant

for those of you unfamiliar with beta counts... statistically they like to see that first number between 50 - 150 to consider the pregnancy viable

yay me... finally showing myself off as the overachiever i know

you may be wondering, with such good news -
why the heck hasnt she posted?

the answer... denial

im afraid to acknowledge it
like some kind of ridiculous 6th grade jinx

but tomorrow is the ultrasound
so its time to face it
time to see that little heartbeat ...or beats?

honestly, i am freaked out
i want two so desperately
and not in an abstract "id love to be the mother of twins" kind of way

but rather...
two went in
im attached to two
i want there to still be two
believe me, in this family - they need each other

so yes, im greedy, i want two
and im not sure how i will feel to find that there is one
i know i will be grateful
as it wasnt that long ago that i would be out in the world
and see a wee asian baby girl and think, hmmmm... is that our future?
is there even a baby at all in our future

i will love any baby
and i will cherish the fact that i have been blessed to be pregnant when so many others dont have the same outcome

but two went in
and i really want them both

because honestly, their mother is crazy
and really, they'll need each other

but how awful does it make me that im a little terrified
thats right, a little terrified, that there may be more than two

i can hear my heart pounding in my chest as i write this
i can feel it in my throat

i am a needy human being who doesnt ask for much...
y'know, not much - just exactly and precisely what i want

why my husband “wins”

2009-09-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

we dropped my parents off at the airport
and by drop i mean literally “drop”
it kind of resembled a tuck and roll exit from the vehicle
but i convinced wonderbread that he should, in fact, come to a full and complete stop before they exited the car

as we pulled away from the curb, no we didnt park
no we didnt even turn the engine off...

I looked back in the side mirror explaining, “maybe we should just make sure they arent running after us having forgotten something”
his dead pan response, “why are you even looking... this vehicle is not stopping - the visit is OVER.”

so we pulled away
and began breathing again

we then met with a fab friend to help her move
can i ask, is it that paramedics have a nomadic characteristic OR is it that paramedics make such CRAP pay that they are always looking for a better place to live?

either way, i hope my friends find their sugar daddies soon
because they are great paramedics,
so they should really keep doing what they are doing...
but dammit ~
i am tired of moving their shit (even though id do it again)

so we did that
then had lunch, wherein fab g/f # 1 (still sans sugar daddy)
paid for our lunch since we moved her shit
*dumbass* uhhhh, did i mention the CRAP pay?!?

then another fab paramedic friend of ours
who IS tired of moving (but still showed up to help) AND the CRAP paycheque
so much so that she has returned to school for nursing.
yay you
boo employer

she dragged me off to my university campus;
made me find my classes,
buy my books,
get my student card,
etc. etc. etc.

this responsible young lady, 10+ years my junior, was exactly the maternal influence i needed for the day

oh and yes, i really have returned to school to finish that degree that has been nagging at me
i figured what the heck - i cant keep my life on hold forever
so lets enroll, and i did
now im enrolled in three courses toward the third year of my four-year degree with the university of victoria

what. the. hell. was. i. thinking...?

my fab and responsible g/f brought me home to find my fab husband
yes, everybody is “fab” in this post - thats just the mood i am in ~ deal with it
and yes... they are, in fact, FAB

meanwhile, wonderbread had returned home to clean the ENTIRE house upon the close of the royal visit.
floors were swept mopped and vacuumed
house was dusted
bathrooms cleaned
laundry done
AND it was clean sheet day

if that wasnt enough: to top it all off ... there was a little box on the bed

a little wee box
with a card that read:

“little cuddles, little kisses, little coos...
so many new baby moments to look forward to”

THAT’S RIGHT ~!
it was positive !!!

we - are - having - a - baby ~ !

so you might think that that is why my husband “wins”
but wait, there is more

remember the little box?
well inside was a brand new wedding band that he had made for me to replace the one i had (devastatingly) lost.

and just when you think it cant get any better:
on the inside of the card that accompanied my ring he had written...
“something every mother should have”

so yes, my husband definitely wins, or ~ maybe i do

12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell

2009-08-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

im waiting
and im killing time
(5 hours and counting)
realizing that i am 12dp3dt 2 Grade A 8-cell
there is lingo, boy is there

right now i am finishing the 2ww (two week wait)
12dp3dt (12 days post 3 day transfer, 3 day transfer is the amount of time our twins spent at the babysitters)
grade A is the grading process
(btw there is no universal grading process, weird huh?)
ours were as perfect as they can be according to our clinic, both 19/20
8-cell (they had divided to 8 cells)

hCG was the blood test we had today (human corionic gonandotropin)
if you want, you can buy a drug store pregnancy test
- however they arent reliable for those of us in the ivf club,
thats right, its a club
not quite as spanky as the he-man-woman-hater's club,
but a club just the same...
because of all the hormones we are pumping ourselves with
the trigger shot that is required to release the follicles is a synthetic form of the same hormone that the HPT (home pregnancy test) measures.
so its already in your system
and we club members could end up with a false positive... NO THANK YOU

or
if we have managed to absorb the trigger shot (ie, no false positive)
but
we test too early, before our bodies have started to produce the hCG on its own
then we can have a false negative... NO THANK YOU

so ill just wait, fun club though huh?

and ill resist the urge to visit the IF blogs (infertility)
and post my stats:
12dpt3dt 2 grade A 8-cell 12/12 2ww ICSI IVF #2 estrogen priming microdose flare protocol

instead:
ill iron my linens
because, i am THAT person
i iron my bedding

think what you want... i dont even give a care

i will not eat the marshmallow

2009-08-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
and
Small people talk about wine.
~ Fran Lebowitz

oh how i love this quote

it was my mantra the other day
over and over again, it kept popping into my mind

you can only imagine what my day was like... and, for once
- ill spare you the details

today, fear fills my every thought
i would say waking thought, but that would be a lie
as it has crept into my dreams as well

tomorrow is, yet again, "the" day
another in a string of THE days
tomorrow we go for our hCG test

we are to be at the lab BEFORE 10 am
so that we can have our test results on the SAME DAY at 3 pm
if we are later than 10 am we wont receive our results until the next day

hmmmm... any bets on how many alarm clocks ill have set
to make SURE my ASS
is at that lab
THE moment the doors open?!

im really trying not to be fearful
and up until two days ago i think i was doing fairly well
but since then i havent been able to go pee without the fear
that that event will prove to me that this journey has all been in vain
to add to my fear of the pee... okay really, its not the PEE that i fear
but puhlease, havent we simply been graphic enough here?
cant we take one day's break?

to add to all that goes on in this overactive brain of mine,
my doctor told me that a full bladder can cause a uterus to spasm
soooooo...
needlesstosay, kelley pees a LOT these days

vicious cirle? HELLS YA

this morning i awoke after a dream wherein my fears were realized
i went to pee and there it was...
the absolute;
the tell tale sign that you are not pregnant
i went to the lab for the blood test which only confirmed my worst fears
and to add insult to injury, we then met with my doctor
who woefully explained there simply wasnt another protocol for us to try

i woke up - and went pee (predictable, arent i?)

give me this though, be proud of me... i have not POAS (peed on a stick)
because i REFUSE to be that sad infertile girl
and yes, there are three - count 'em THREE in my medicine cabinet
i havent given in, and i wont
because tomorrow is THE day
and i can wait
i will not eat the marshmallow
*its a psychology experiment "the stanford marshmallow study" determining the long-term effects of delayed gratification in children*
(im not insane... at least not as far as this comment goes)

so, so far so good ~ and tomorrow... ill be pregnant
yes, yes i will

deal with it.

please, dont touch the callouses...

2009-08-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

im trying to focus on the good things
trying to keep myself occupied
trying to keep myself from counting the days
the hours
the minutes
until:
1. my parents leave
and
2. our pregnancy test

i can focus on the good
because as of now...
1. we are closer to the end of the visit than we are the beginning
and
2. we are closer to our POSITIVE hCG test
- four, count 'em FOUR days -
than we were in the beginning

i can focus on the good because as of now...
i am pregnant
i am pregnant until proven otherwise
so i will relish in it
and not buy clothes when shopping with my mom
(okay i bought some - but ALL with the thought of,
"hmmmmm... how cute will a pregnant kelley be in this ensemble?"
the answer: fab *wink*
and so i am now in possession of a few new "must haves")

i am, however, still struggling with my parents
it is such an internal conflict for me
it is like having children living with us
and it is driving me absolutely crazy
what a quandry... when we would so love to have two children living with us
~ our family

the timing truly couldnt be worse
but, what is a daughter to do?
the answer: i suck it up
and im learning not to "bite"

even today, when singing the praises of my wonderbread while shopping after pedicures with my g/f and our moms - i bit my tongue...
i bit my tongue when i told my friend, with my mother in earshot
that my fabulous husband made me coffee this morning, and toast, delivered it, then ironed my clothes :)
this is not news to my g/f, she has been a party to just how great he is
but really, its fun to share in the joy that is my amazing husband
and im pretty sure she appreciates him - if for nothing else,
for putting up with me

then my mother pipes up
~ obviously overwhelmed with the desire to cut someone down,
"well, isnt that EVERY morning?"
so i dont bite
*proud moment*
i just reply, "well actually mom - we take turns"
(which we truly do - see, funny thing... we love AND respect each other, imagine?!)
my mom pauses and remarks, "i guess it hasnt been your turn lately"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

im sorry, did we forget to mention whats going on here???
you see, between our scheduling your holiday itinerary
and cooking your meals
we've been managing a little stress
and compound that with daily multi-doses of medication
to increase our odds of a successful pregnancy
im a little FUCKING TIRED

i know the universe revolves around you, your royal highness
but we've kinda been dealing with some "stuff"

not sure if you noticed

i realize youve made time to notice many of my flaws
so im wondering - care to have a look at my ovaries?!
perhaps you could even point and laugh while youre at it

~ no i did NOT say any of that, because im learning

you see, its the steady trickle of comments like that
that are thankfully THANKFULLY thickening my skin.

i may have had a pedicure today
but i told my esthetician,

"please, dont touch the callouses ...they're working for me"

crack whore aspirations: quashed

2009-08-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

we did it
we are really here

we picked up the twins today from the babysitter
(best babysitter on earth i might add)
she did mention that they were very well behaved
hmmmm...

so here's how things have gone over the past few days:

retreival on sunday
i was really quite out of it
i remember good drugs, a cocktail including:
iv benadryl ~ a prophylactic for my crazy unpredictable allergies
(ya, its been a while since my name has been used in conjunction with the word "prophylactic")
plus fentanyl and another lovely pharmaceutical whose name i cannot recall
just as well though, as i may be tempted to start bribing pharmacists for another crack at that stuff

i had bed spins for a moment and quickly adapted (im good like that)

wonderbread was by my side, holding on with two hands
as my friend instructed (one was for her - oh, dont even get me started *insert hormonal meltdown here*)
now the rest is as he remembers, because me... i was well on my way to giving up the whole thing and becoming a career drug-seeking crack whore instead

we knew going in that there were three on the right ovary
two were mature, one questionable - sigh
on the left we had one ...that we could find
and it was suspected that that one could actually be a cyst and not a follicle
double sigh...

so there we were
me
wonderbread at my left
nurse/aenesthetist (my new best friend) at my right
doctor between my legs - actually seemed more like a diembodied surgical cap/mask wearing head, but im gonna chalk that up to the drugs and say it wasnt really so
an ultrasound screen between the doctor and my new best friend
the clinic director at wonderbread's left acting as assistant between the embryologist (aka the babysitter) and the doctor
the babysitter was through a passageway and in an attached lab

we had met with the babysitter and she explained that she would be calling out what she had found as the cells were delivered to her

i knew this meant we would hear success, (yay) but it could also mean we would hear silence meaning failure, sigh...

because we had so few follicles
and i had been such a "poor responder" ~ gawd i hate that term ~ to the medications
they would be flushing the follicles
they would use saline and flush the follicles of all cells until such time as the embryologist let the team know that the follicle was void of any material
this is a higher risk procedure, however, it does ensure that every opportunity to retrieve the existing eggs is taken
now i dont remember this
but wonderbread explained the events as this:
one follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... nothing yet
move on to the next one as the embryologist continues examining the last flush;
next follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in first follicle
move on to the third as the embyologist continues examining the last flush;
third follicle flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, flushed, ... confirmed no egg in the second follicle
move on to the left ovary (things obviously not looking good on the right)
and now we are moving on to our suspected "cyst"
the room has taken a turn, there is a silence that is palpable - even to this stoned chick on the table
more drugs are definitely in order, thanks to my new best friend
the doctor attempts to flush the questionable follicle on the left and ...shit
it is in fact a cyst - full of ...nothing
nothing
sometimes listening to silence is the loudest most empty thing you will ever have to endure
and then i heard her voice
~ faint like a voice that falls over you with an origin you dont dare question

"i have one"

the embryologist from the lab
from the other room
through her mask
she had found one from the last flush of the third follicle on the right
b r e a t h e
everybody breathe
and just when you think that was the winning play...

someone throws a hail mary:

the doctor then noticed a tiny follicle that he hadnt detected on the preparatory ultrasounds
it was small, seemed immature, but there would be no man (or potential man) left behind

my follicle, unfortunately, had other ideas. see - he had heard that he was supposed to STAY in there
after all, i had been having long conversations with my body about what it needed to do and how it could oblige and be cooperative in this whole process

so he ran away from that very large needle that was so purposefully stalking him in my ovary
he really ran
he ran so far that my new best friend found herself draped across my body pressing down on my abdomen with all her weight so that needle and follicle could finally get acquainted

my thoughts, "damn - this hurts... hey newbestfriend, i could...
Wait A Minute... YOU BITCH - NOW whose gonna give me my drugs?!?!"

it was a longshot
but worth it
that little runner = one more mature follicle

holeeee crap

i was stoned and happy, a really good combination
and i had wonderbread on my team
it was as good an outcome as we could have expected
to go in with a questionable three/four
and come out with two, mature eggs was ...amazing

it was so strange to leave the building - and exactly how our enbryologist gained the nickname, "babysitter"

at 1400h wonderbread's "guys" would be introduced via ICSI
and at that time we were lying on our bed at home, listening to our cd
thinking thoughts so positive, i believe a rainbow appeared above our home
perhaps even a few unicorns trotted on by

we would have to wait until the next morning to find out how well the meeting went
and i think time has actually slowed over the last few days

that morning we got the call
two made it
both of them mature
BOTH OF THEM
and they were introduced with the most handsome sperm she could find
and now they were behaving well
we would have to wait until the same time the next day for a grade to be applied to their progress and, of course, they must continue to survive... minor detail

same time next day we received a call from our babysitter giving us the good news
there are two (still)!
and now lets talk about grading:

we grade them on a scale of 1 to 20
and just like the teacher you hated in school, we never give out a perfect score
now based on your low follicle count we generally expect that embryos produced in your situation dont usually have the highest grades, but that doesnt mean they arent successful

"would you like to know how yours are doing?"
ahhhhh - the suspense, you could tell this woman loves her job

"both are NINETEENS... we are over the moon in the lab here"
she then explained that we had completely changed her expectation for poor responders

thats me ~ ill change your mind about a whole lot of things - but, i digress...

all is well
now they are perfect little 4-celled embryos
yay us
and now the wait continues - an appointment for transfer will be set up for tomorrow
someone from the clinic will call with info.

of course, another day of trepidation waiting to see/hear how they continue to grow
and hope that 1. they make it
2. they continue to divide
3. we can find some way to sleep that night

our appointment was at 0800h
we went in
same room
no sign of my new best friend

we did, however, pick the kids up from the sitter's
now two perfect little 8-celled embryos
like layered four leaf clovers

now here i sit singing to myself, "im looking over a four leaf clover..."
and couldnt be happier to show off our first baby(ies) picture:

poor responder... MY ASS
i guess i wont be a crack whore afterall

the wisdom of charlie brown

2009-08-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is "the day"
one of many THE days to come

but tonight i cant sleep
because tomorrow is the first THE day

tomorrow we retreive
i have three follicles on the right two are mature, one is lagging
on the left
my ever-elusive left ovary
is keeping secret what it has in store for us
perhaps one, perhaps more... or perhaps it is a cyst

tomorrow will tell so much

wish us well, as tomorrow is a big day
and im feeling a little fragile

my parents are here, visiting
for most it would be of great comfort to have mom & dad so close
it is not
the visit is going better than i'd expected
but perhaps this is because i have lowered my expectations

i feel like a horrible daughter
betraying my parents with my thoughts
its quite the time to deal with parental issues
...what irony

im not going to focus on that right now
instead im making a cd of music for the procedure tomorrow
we've been told music is allowed

i asked if i could bring some death metal in with me to the receptionist
she clearly has no sense of ha ha

my g/f helped me with some songs
much to her chagrin
poor girl downloading music for me
and sending it under the subject "gay old person shit"
but she gets serious credit...
she did it
i needed help, and she was there

in contrast, my mother lay on the couch watching tv while i tried to hear the songs i was choosing... and fought back tears as my friend counselled me with wisdom so far beyond her years it would make you pause - or cry, as i finally did

im in bed now, lying awake
wondering, worrying a little
just altogether overwhelmed i suppose

wishing my gram was here
wishing i could call her and hear her voice that would convince me that everything was going to work out just exactly the way that it is meant to be

i miss her with every fibre of my being

when i was a kid i would spend my whole summer with her
both me and my cousin
we shared a room all summer long
and at night we would read before bed
it was always charlie brown books - a HUGE selection of charlie brown books
its funny because i dont recall ever questioning or having any desire to read something else, or feeling like we were missing out, in need of some greater selection

it was summertime, and that was simply one of the summer things to do

so it made me a little nostalgic when i came across this quote:

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.
~ Charlie Brown to Snoopy

...no wonder we never complained

you just cant make this shit up...

2009-08-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

so my mother continues to display her charm and compassion to an incomprehensible degree
let me share with you now, a moment in time
a moment in my life
a moment that is the epitome of what it means to be "daughter" in my family.

my parents are coming to visit
(btw - saw a counsellor for the first time in my life the other day)
did i mention said visit is to be 3 weeks in duration?
(no, these two events did not take place independently)

i had a long conversation with my mom the other day
we talked about all of the things that we could do while they visit
all the touristy "must see" places

when the joy that is tourism died down, i talked to her about what we are going through
y'know that little infertility issue (just to be sure she remembers)
i explained, and i quote "you need to be nice to me"
i told her about the multiple daily injections of hormones and their obvious effect on my psyche - as well as the holding pattern
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles
the ultrasound, where we find out how many follicles are continuing to mature
the (fingers crossed) retrieval
ICSI - thats intracytoplasmic sperm injection
the maturation (fingers crossed)
the transfer - back to me
the two week wait for a (again... fingers crossed) positive pregnancy test

i explained how stressful all of these waits would be
and how she and dad would be here through it all
and ... she would need to be supportive AND NICE TO ME

i was heading in the next day for my ultrasound
tomorrow i would find out how many follicles my new more aggressive protocol had produced.
tomorrow i may face the same devastating news i had faced in our first cancelled IVF cycle
tomorrow i would try to lose my new moniker of "poor responder"
tomorrow would mark us one day closer to making her a grandparent (again - sigh...)

did she get it...?

what do you think ...

the next day came
four
not the twenty
or sixteen
or nice even dozen that other women produce after this fabulous protocol
i had four
F O U R

but as my fabulously supportive girlfriend said to me, "thats awesome... you've improved by 400%!!!"

so i called my mom
why the fuck did i call my mom
i guess i thought she'd actually be interested
i actually thought she'd want to know
i know that she is going to be here through this cycle
and i figured, if i can involve her right from the start, that would be the best approach

clearly, i was delusional

when we had our previous conversation about their visit and all the joy that that would bring
she was going on about her hair (now granted, i too am one to obsess over my "do" - so i can relate). she was off to see her new "girl" for the second time, it had been too long between visits, she was desperate for a good cut, if it didnt work out she would be so disappointed having to travel with a lousy boufant. so we joked that if her appointment didnt go well... the trip was off

so i called, this was my opening

i didnt even say hi
she answered, and i said, "sooooo... is the trip a go or???"

she laughed - hair was good
and we had a big ole chat about her hair
hey, i have to indulge the things that are important to her, if i want her to do the same for me - right?

now im thinking,
okay mom, ask...
ask me about my day
i want to tell you so ask ~

nothing
not a fucking word
oh wait, im sorry yes
after she ranted about $ bequest to her by her absolutely fabulous friend (and this woman truly was absolutely fabulous and the world is suffering a loss without her in it)
she then asked me, "so what did you do today?"

is it wrong of me, im not sure - but i just couldnt bring myself to tell her
"SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?!"
you have got to be effing kidding me - are you for real?!?
i wanted to RAGE these words into the phone
but i couldnt
and i didnt
i just said, "nuthen" and made some excuse to have to get off the phone

now after a conversation like that, one MIGHT think id learn
but no
no, this skull - she's pretty mother f*cking thick
let me demonstrate:

i called today
yep, what the hell is wrong with her youre thinking - i know, i know
but i called

i called because i was excited
i was happy
i got transferred
ive been transferred to a station that cuts my commute by 1.5 hours EACH way
and more than that
its a busier station
AND ive worked there, doing some coverage, and ive had SO much fun there
one of my classmates - and person in the top ten of my favourite people - works there
i was happy and i wanted to share it with my mom... go figure

so i called
god im an idiot
lets just get that straight right now... i am aware
i am a thick-skulled idiot

mom told me that she had been out to visit s&r because r was home from his surgery
(s&r are like those aunt and uncle people who arent actually related but are more like family than your real relatives) so im all... Surgery?!?!

apparently r has prostate cancer - news to me
and mom went on and on about his prognosis his treatment his recovery
and i couldnt help but think ... why isnt she THIS interested in ME?
i, of course, didnt say it

but when she was done, i had an moment of realization
both of their children are adopted!
so i asked, (my perfect segway to mention that whole IVF thing and maybe even find a confidante in my "aunt") "did s do IVF?"
mom answers incredulously, "NO... her kids are both ADOPTED! *you idiot implied*"
i replied, "i know mom... but people dont usually go STRAIGHT to adoption"
so she muttered and said that s had NOT done IVF
BUT... she was so proud to announce s's brother! HE was remarried, and while he ALREADY has kids, his new wife is 40 and they are going through IVF AND they just had FOUR embryos transferred and they were SO happy to find out that the have JUST ONE HEARTBEAT! isnt that GREAT?!

ummmm ya mom... thats great

okay so apparently were not going to talk about me
youd almost think this would be a perfect set up, but no - notsomuch

instead she asked, so what are you up to tonight?
okay, i can handle it - afterall i DID call to tell her my work news

i explained that i was off to a barbeque held by the unit chief at station "x"
we chatted about that for a bit and then i had perfect opportunity to tell her about my big work news

and her response...
wait for it
WAIT FOR IT ~

"now, andy & tammy - they live in 'insert town here', is that right?"

i swear... you just cant make this shit up

dear douchebag landlord: (take two)

2009-07-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

okay - ive given it another try
i feel that the previous draft may have been a bit too pithy AND pissy.
well, actually... i dont REALLY think that - but i do realize that it may not be the most effective way to 1. get my point across or 2. convince them that they are wrong (read "douchebags") and to reconsider cashing the cheque.
so, here is the final result that was sent to the douchebags via registered mail.
as of yet, the cheque remains uncashed. (but im not holding my breath)

Dear Douchebag Landlords:

RE: THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP
________________________________________________________

We have enclosed our cheque in the amount of < one month's rent + arbitration fees >.

We cannot help but find this situation incredibly perplexing, and we ask that before you cash the cheque you consider that we were under the apparent misconception that we had become friends. After living apart for nearly three years, to finally live together in your home and to have the added bonus of your friendship - we felt fortunate.

It would seem that our understanding of friendship is somehow misconstrued. We had thought that your invitation to join you for family outings, attending your summer barbeque, caring for your family pets, and you - in turn - doing the same for us, spoiling your prodigal cat, removing bee stingers from your scalp, cartwheeling with your children on the lawn, story writing with your daughter, teaching your son to throw a ball, sharing coffee on your deck, spending movie night in your living room, enjoying mornings in your kitchen, drinking margaritas on your sofa, watching the Halloween costume show, wrangling bats in the middle of the night, and finally celebrating Christmas with your friends, equated with friendship.

We felt fortunate. And even though it took us nearly two years to sell our home, we were making friends and starting a new life. A new life that we hoped would include a family. A family with whom we could play in the yard and throw a ball and write stories and fuss over Halloween costumes. But its not that easy for us, we have to pay for that luxury. We have been dealing with infertility and doling out thousands of dollars for doctors and procedures and drugs with the hope that we might enjoy such simple pleasures.

Therefore, after having taken a huge reduction in the selling price of our home, we take what we can and put it toward the chance that we might, too, have a family one day. And no, neither of our employers covers the costs involved.

So if you choose to go ahead and cash that cheque, perhaps you could take your family for an outing and think of us, because your family event is being funded by our desire to have a family of our own.

Sincerely,

Kelley & wonderbread
encl.

dear douchebag landlord:

2009-07-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

im having a hard time sending our cheque off to the landlords
(see previous post "welcome to my world")
i feel compelled to write a letter to send along, but i just cant figure out what to say.

here's what i have so far, please look it over and let me know if ive missed anything, any spelling mistakes, gramatical issues, etc.

Dear Douchebag Landlords:

Here is your cheque.
Please fuck off and die.

Sincerely,
Kelley

i think the "please" is a nice touch, makes it all friendly like
hmmmm... maybe its too mushy - perhaps ill try another draft, we'll see

paging, dr. freud...

2009-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

the other night i had a dream
not the martin luther king jr kind of dream, but a dream nonetheless
the kind that sticks with you
the kind that haunts you throughout your day
the kind that makes you try to explain it to other people
and still they have no idea what the hell you are talking about
the kind that follows you straight into the next day
and leaves you thinking that the only way to release it
is to write about it

so here i am
and here we go

i had a dream
(yes we’ve covered this already)

i had a feature role
but i was not the star
there was someone else
someone ive never met, someone ive never seen before
and a face that i cant get out of my mind

even now i can see her so clearly,
like the face of a long lost friend
a face for which every freckle and every scar
....you were a party to its creation

in my dream i wanted so much for her to connect with me
to see me
to run to me
to hug me

but my nightmare was that i couldnt remember her name, i couldnt gain her trust

i knew she had an unusual name - a beautiful name
but i couldnt speak it
i wanted to bond with her but this lapse of mine was keeping her from recognizing me
what was this “thing” that kept me from retrieving her name?

i wanted her to trust me
but who will you trust who doesnt speak your name?
your name spoken provides validity
it acknowledges your existence
and as desperate as i was ...desperation did not equate to anything but frustration

with trepidation i approached her
i thought if i got closer she would recognize me, and id remember
id remember her name and she, in turn, would remember my voice

but it didnt happen
and my dream ended without resolve

she was mine
a child of about three years old
and she was beautiful
i can tell you this very clearly because i know her face
it is the face of a child that i cannot get out of my mind
it is not the face of the daughter i had imagined
she wasnt a fair-haired, green-eyed child ~ bearing that distinct family resemblance
but she was mine
this was unmistakable

she had been separated from me
and i was there to take her home
but i couldnt say her name
feeling like a conservationist approaching an endangered species, fearing it will spook
i couldnt gain her trust
and i failed to convince her to place her dimpled little hand in mine

the dream ended, but the memory is vivid
a face ill never forget and a name ill never know ~
she was mine,
and i was there to take her home...

welcome to my world

2009-06-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

i thought i was having a bad day when our douchebag landlord (we had to rent for a year while relocating for work in the middle of a real estate crisis and waiting for our fabulous house to sell) won at arbitration stating that we did not give sufficient notice to end our tenancy.

yes apparently, telling his wife one month earlier that our home had sold. or having his wife present as we faxed our offer to purchase our new home did not give them any indication that we were leaving. who knew.

so the douchebags, whom we mistakenly thought were our friends have been granted another month's rent according to a director with the residential tenancy board. wtf?

i could hardly sleep that night. seething with anger. and anticipating my doctor's appointment in the morning.

slimebags, they'd get theirs - i thought.
you see, i am a firm believer in karma

but why did she have to bite MY ass the very next day?

yes, it was a sunday and i had a doctor's appointment.
about a week earlier i felt like i was walking in someone else's shoes when i was told, if you are serious about having a family we need to start IVF and we need to be aggressive.

but if that was what it was like to be in someone else's shoes, then after a full course of two daily needles and oral drugs i was left too puffy & swollen to wear them.

the first appointment hadnt been great. perhaps ill elaborate another time.
the short story is that they had only found four follicles... FOUR - wtf?!

but its okay, deep cleansing breath now. we've got the drugs
the full meal deal
ill go back and they will see me for the overacheiver that i really am.

and this was that day
my chance for my ovaries to prove their worth.
and show how much they appreciated the hormone cocktail i was serving up daily like it was happy hour.

my husband sat staring quizzically at the ultrasound monitor (trying not to acknowledge what the doctor was doing in order for him to have that blurred incomprehesible view)

and there was that moment of
oh, lets see if we can have a better view this way
or this way
or maybe...

with each second the room grew quieter and the facial expressions dropped exponetially

there was no discussion
the doctor and his assistant left the room, saying he would be back in a moment to discuss the results

what was there to discuss
we were right there
there were no secrets, i mean we may not be gynecologists or reproductive specialists but anyone with a brain could tell the prognosis wasnt good

what had happened to my overacheivers?

i cried - i didnt know exactly what he was going to say but i cried
and my husband hugged me
in this stupid ultrasound room, where we had only moments earlier been giggling schoolkids making ridiculous remarks about the equipment
i started crying then
and ive barely stopped since - except to laugh
because i have great friends
you know the kind
the kind that make you laugh when youre already doing the "ugly cry"
and ive got to say, if you think the ugly cry is ugly... you should see it with a laugh thrown in

one
One?
yes ONE follicle

forget someone else's shoes, im pretty sure i was in someone else's skin at that point

the ivf cycle was cancelled
and the rest is a blurr
which keeps coming back to me in waves

one tidal wave
being the moment i called my mother to let her know the whole story
i hadnt told her any of our reproductive woes up until this point
even though they were years in the making

these are the words that broke over me like a surfer being sucked in the vortex of a big ole white cap
after i spilled my story of dissappointment and devastation
the sentence that she uttered to me, her only daughter,

"well honey, i guess you just waited too long"

welcome to my world:
if it's not one thing ~ it's ...your mother